Reply to How to respond to someone who is being sanctimonious?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In a nutshell, they often sound like this when it concerns situations relating to MIL, who is very elderly. A typical example could be the things they do for MIL, how much time they spend with her, etc. 
Our point of view is that it's not a competition.[/quote]

I don't think they're trying to compete with you. They're probably ungraciously [b]asking for more help with your MIL, or at least thanks for all the work they are doing. Your saying you don't see it as a competition makes it sounds like you're checked out.[/b] Not sure if you are, but I'd be asking myself if you and your DH are doing your fair share. Since you're not living there, perhaps that means spending more money, or coming in for respite help, or offering to do research from afar. [/quote]

This.  Do more, OP, then come back and tell us how it is going.  Right now you're doing nothing and complaining about the people who are doing much more.[/quote]

My DH is already doing research from afar. He takes care of all her household admin, finances, budgeting, banking, investments.

To those who think I'm the bad guy here, when my parents were ill and dying I did not get any emotional support from my 2 SILs. My parents died when they were decades younger than MIL is now. I knew at the time that SILs couldn't do much as my parents lived overseas. But they could have asked me from time to time how my parents were doing or shown some interest. Even now they never ask about my close elderly relatives overseas, as if they don't exist.
Why so one-sided?[/quote]

Okay, so your SIL’s are doing the actual work of taking care of their mom and your DH is trying to step in from afar and control the budget/admin ie tell them they spend too much? And you wonder why they are not pleasant to you? Oh, and your son is in charge of her investments ie majorly in charge of inheritance even though, again, he does no actual care work?[/quote]

The physical labor is done by aides. They take care of grooming, bathing, dressing, undressing, intimate care, cooking, laundry, administering medication, providing company and generally looking after her.

She also has aides who stay overnight.

A cleaner comes in 2 or 3 times per week.

SILs visit a couple of times per week to be with her and provide company,  take her to medical appointments, hairdressing salon, church, etc.

DH visits 1 lunchtime and afternoon per week (due to distance and a full-time job), and takes her out on any activity she likes to do, usually going to the park or taking her out for coffee and cake.

Yes, DH takes care of her admin and finances from afar. He is very good with figures. And? Why is that so unusual?

And why shouldn't SILs be pleasant to me, generally? Their family dynamics are not my responsibility. [/quote]

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