Reply to Refusing to Admit Known Affair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why do you care OP? Just get divorced already. What are getting out of this dance? [/quote]

+1.  My partner did this and I invested way too much energy in wondering why.  The bottom line is that despite having 2 kids with the guy, I didn’t want to live with someone who cheated on me under any circumstances - especially not someone who doubled down and lied to me about it.

It doesn’t matter why he did it and there’s no rationality to it any way.  I could go on now about how he grew up with an alcoholic mother who was in and out of rehab and as such, although his physical needs for food and shelter were met, how emotional needs were neglected. How the entire family learned to lie about what was really going on with mom’s alcoholism in order to present the facade of a nice family. How he was also probably driven in part by hypomanic hypersexuality from as yet to be diagnosed bipolar, etc., etc.  But really, understanding the why doesn’t change anything.  I don’t want to live like that.  Kids or no kids none of us have to or deserve to live like that.  Infidelity is a serious form of relationship abuse, and as difficult as my life has been since the sp,it, there is not a single day that is worse than when we were together.

It was also better for my kids to be raised with me in an emotionally healthy environment.

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I completely understand.  The red flag was the alcoholic mother which does create a culture of lying/compartmentalizing in the home and often complete emotional neglect, if the other spouse can’t deal and is too busy surviving —the kids have all kinds of attachment issues—-even when they present as highly successful, emotionally sound “perfect”—that is how they were able to get through it.  But they never addressed those issues and no adult bothered to ask (especially back then) because since they were achieving and masking the hurt and shouting it way down- nobody saw the damage.

Coming from a very loving and emotionally sound childhood with two living parents modeling a healthy relationship I was incredibly unprepared for learning how much damage can come out later in life for kids that grew up this way and never had therapy, or even had it addressed.  It’s a lot to handle.

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