Reply to Calling all nice people - what to do about the mean people on DCUM

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Wow, you are really making our point for us and I'm guessing Jeff is reading this and thinking twice about intervening considering it has put wind in your sails on this issue. I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I also weighed in on that thread and I *do* have experience with this, (your first post on this thread said "people with no experience were chiming in." I shared my genuine experiences with you. I was devastated as a child by my parents leaving me behind during a divorce. I've talked to a therapist about it, and that expert told me that it is a mistake that parents make, thinking that it will be better for the kids, and it is almost universally considered to be harmful to the children. Nobody was saying you were trying to compel her. We aren't thinking about hte mom's sensitivities here, [b]we were asking you to consider whether or not this was best for the children[/b]. You really think it was a bunch of "meanies" picking on you? And look what you're saying, why do others think they get to control direction of a thread. Nobody thought that except you. Neither I nor anyone was controlling that thread. We were simply responding. And you decided you didn't like the responses so you cried to Jeff to shut them down. If every OP starts doing this, and Jeff intervenes, the usefulness of this thread as an open exchange of information and philosophies will be greatly diminished. And THAT will drive people away. [/quote]

8:46 again.  I do hope Jeff is reading this.  My complaint to Jeff wasn’t because of the ‘meanies picking on’ me.  As I indicated in my two posts prior to yours on that thread and several other places since, I’m not interested in ‘whether’ we should do this.  I’m interested in “how”.  I’m sorry your experience as a child was traumatic but your post added no value since it didn’t address my question nor did it give me any information on how we could avoid the mistakes your parents made when leaving you with relatives – other than just “don’t do it”.  By itself, your post wasn’t bad and I would have ignored it had others not felt compelled to continue to discuss “whether” we should do it.  It was de-railing the thread and the value of the thread to me, the OP.  If you wanted an “open exchange of ideas and philosophies’ you should have started your own thread because that’s not what my thread was about.  I’m not interested, as you acknowledged in your own post, on whether we should offer to be temporary guardians.  Just because DCUM is an open forum doesn’t mean that it’s a free for all.  If original posters don’t feel they get useful response, they won’t post any more and that would defeat the purpose of DCUM.
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well, I think my post has been deleted now, at your request. However, my first reply actually did lay out WHY I didn't think it was a good idea. The thing is, I have personal experience with this. I stayed with loving relatives who did everything they could to help me through the ordeal. I was told by everyone that it wasn't that my mom didn't love me, she just needed some time to get back on her feet, etc, etc. I. missed. my. mom. Every day. And I missed my dad, too. To this day, my relationship with my parents suffered and, while there were other issues, this was a huge part of it. Some of the other posters suggested you were doing this from something less than a place of love. I didn't make that assumption. I can't possibly know, but suspect you love these kids. However, sometimes when we love someone we have one idea of what is best and that idea is not always the best idea. I can't offer you any ways to mitigate the damage that this will do to the kids. I can only say that, barring some exceptional situation where the children are best separated from the mother due to abusive or neglect issues, which would NOT be a temporary custody thing so much as a much broader issue involving a longer-term solution, the kids are going to be best with their own family. My therapist told me that children are better off with their parents even if that means a shelter. It's why homeless kids are kept with their parents. I know it sounds insane, but I think it's true. I get that you don't want people accusing you of trying to steal her kids, but I was urging you to look at this from another perspective. By closing down the debate, you lose that perspective. It makes you seem like you don't even care to hear how the kids might feel being separated from their parents during a traumatic time like this. You only want to know, logistically, how to do it.

I agree that if it were a different issue (PP had two good ones, with the "chunky" daughter and gay adoption, above) the meddling in the thread would seem even more out-of-place and I doubt Jeff would even consider it. But, maybe that's what DCUM will evolve into, that no matter how outrageous, offensive, or problematic we find the premise of an OP's question, we can only answer in a way that enables him / her to carry it out. I doubt I'd stick around under that scenario. [/quote]

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