Reply to Teen cousin nonstop tickling DC, 5

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your instinct that something is off here is never to be ignored. Read “The Gift of Fear”. Gavin DeBecker says it beautifully: “your gut doesn’t know *why* you have this feeling, only that you have it to protect you (or your children).” You don’t need to examine this too closely. Your brain saw something it didn’t like out of protection for your son. Enough said.[/quote]
This is bullshit. White women who cross the street when they see my well- dressed, professional AA DH also have a gut instinct that they are in danger, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything to be afraid of. OP hasn’t said anything nefarious. She can put a stop to it, of course, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong going on.[/quote]

Like I said, her brain doesn't know why she's uncomfortable, she just is. So she can put a stop to it. Sounds like you and I both agree. Comparing this to the awful structural racism in our society that causes women to cross the street when they see your husband is off topic, a a straw man, and frankly inflammatory. I don't think you've read the book I mentioned, which is a great parenting book.[/quote]

The street-crossing happens because of ingrained racism, the discomfort with tickling is because of ingrained sexism: You think guys are predators. But some boys just like kids and enjoy making them laugh or doing whatever the kid indicates is fun for them.

Or your nephew is creep in training. I dunno. But your gut can deceive you. [/quote]

Or your gut can be correct. One option protects your child, one exposes your child. One protects your child with no bad effect on the cousin, one leaves your child open to events we all know occur. I will point out that we are talking about a 5 yo who essentially has no agency. No one is suggesting anyone shame the cousin, rather OP may change the circumstances in direct or indirect ways to stop the tickling, including merely saying "stop the tickling". OP is 100% in the right as a parent re: who may or may not touch her child. Attempting to call this "ingrained sexism" assumes most predators are not male, which in fact, statistically they are, but is moot as we are talking about OP's parenting instinct, which is why she should act and which should always be noted. Not always followed, but always noted.

I'm curious as to why it's so important to continue to allow this cousin to engage in unwanted touching of a little kid. What are we worried about here? That "no" is not OK? Ingrained sexism, indeed.

[/quote]

[b]It's not unwanted by the kid.[/b][/quote]

Different poster. True and I would be more concerned if a child's "no" was ignored, but having worked with families where a child was sexually abused, sometimes the kid really enjoys the attention until it crosses a line. Tickling is something that is no longer considered all in good fun when it goes on too long. You are repeatedly touching someone in a way that causes a sometimes involuntary response. It's too easy to accidentally touch the wrong area or not so accidentally and it easily go from fun to creepy in a second. OP had every right to step in. That said, this is a teen not a grown up and boundaries can be so nebulous. I would absolutely keep on eye on things and not let them be alone together, but it is absolutely plausible this is a clueless teen who just enjoys making the kid laugh and doesn't realize his hands are an inch or 2 away from being in a questionable place.[/quote]

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