Reply to My Ex is Constantly Punishing DS

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[quote=Anonymous]Whoa whoa whoa. People...this is a 10 year old CHILD (he has an undeveloped prefrontal cortex--this means fully formed impulse control and adult-level rational thinking are not a realistic expectations. Sheesh).

Yes, as children develop, it is important to let them take on new responsibilities and raise expectations of behavior. But Dad's behavior sounds cunning, mean and manipulative. It doesn't promote a mastery of new skills (he's not helping him learn to prepare food so that he can gain new independence, he's forcing him to struggle so Dad can feel powerful and "make a point"). Words matter and telling a kid that they are "useless" can stick. Adolescent boys are prone to depression and this child is at a tender age when constant criticism and having a parent offer conditional love (the condition is that he reach a constantly moving target of "good behavior") can shape the way that they see themselves and their self-worth.

Also, has it occurred to any of these prior posters that this child has heavy feelings related to his parents divorce? My parent's divorce was ridiculously painful. Getting moved from house to house against my will made me feel powerless and angry. Kids lose the most in divorces, even under the best circumstances. Could we, as adults, muster some empathy for this kid? It doesn't seem like he even has a sibling to lean on for support. He is alone. No one is saying bad behavior needs to be swept under the rug, but kind, firm, and thoughtful responses from the adults in his life can go a long way in preventing depression/anxiety and to make sure he doesn't do the same thing to his future partners and kids.

Mom--you're right to be concerned. The fact that CPS has already been involved is not a good sign. As others have said, make sure you document things as they occur. In the mean time, consider a weekly therapy visit for both you and your son. He deserves someone objective to help him put all of this in perspective and to help him sort out his own feelings about his family. In your own sessions, you can gain some strategies for setting useful, productive boundaries when he is with you and how to support his emotional needs.

In the mean time, be a listener for him. Offer him space to talk to you about what he goes through. Don't criticize Dad (seriously, it doesn't help) but do let him know that he is NOT responsible for his Dad's emotions. Take that weight of his shoulders. Be as consistent, even-keeled and loving as you can. It's hard but worth it. Good luck Mom![/quote]

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