Reply to My tween is... clueless? Rude? Needs help?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like he has problems with perspective taking.  It is a lagging social skill, he's not being rude on purpose.  He just doesn't understand the other person's perspective and resulting consequences.

You have to explicitly teach him perspective taking....

Give him scenarios and ask him how different players are feeling (don't make the scenarios personal).

Read children's books with an emotional component (like the chicken soup for the soul series) and ask him to identify people's feelings.

Check out stuff by Michelle Garcia Winner.  Two of her books that can help are "You Too Can be a Social Detective" and "Social Fortune or Social Fate".  Also check out Ryan Wexelblatt's youtube channel for videos on perspective taking.  BTW, this social skills stuff is targeted at kids with ADHD or autism because they very commonly have lagging social skills, but I think it's fair to say a lot of young boys have lagging social skills even if they're not in one of these groups.

Garcia's framework - which you have to explicitly teach him - is basically that when you do what's expected, people have good thoughts about you.  When you do what's unexpected, people have bad thoughts about you.  For example, when someone says hi to you, they expect you to say hi back.  When you don't, that's unexpected. and will cause the other person to have weird/bad thoughts about you.  They will remember these negative feelings the next time they see you.  When you write someone a birthday card, it's expected that you write happy birthday.  When you write a joke, that's unexpected, and will cause the other person to have negative/bad thoughts, etc...

When these situations happen in real life, instead of saying "that's rude," say, "I bet so and so didn't expect that, I wonder if they're having bad thoughts about you now."  Keep modeling and doing this over and over in real life.    [/quote]

Not sure if you are an educator but thank you-not the OP but I have a 12 year old boy and I have noticed this rudeness this year in virtual. I somehow missed this when he is around me but wow when I am not. My son gives one word answers to teachers over computer. Ex If a teacher aka “how are you doing”-he will just say fine and just be silent after and looks distracted  and not say” I am fine and how are you with a happy tone ?”—I cringe at the rudeness. I am going to look this suggested stuff up. FYI my son doesn’t have adhd but I think this year being home he has become immature. He needs to be in school and around people. I could cry what this pandemic has done to all these kids who have been stuck at home. This is a second pandemic.
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