Reply to Thrivers (book), raising kids in a pressure cooker area

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To what extent do you think that laid back parents can raise laid back kids in this regard, even when surrounded by pressure-cooker families?  DH and I are pretty non-competitive when it comes to work and school.  We both have jobs that are intellectually stimulating, we read a lot, have academic and social interests, but couldn't care less if our kids are at the top of their class/make the competitive sports team/ etc.  I like to think we can raise kids who don't feel the need to keep up with their peers in some of the ways being discussed here, but they're still young and so I don't know if we're being totally naive.[/quote]

I think you can but you have to be intentional about it, recognize that - especially once in middle and high school -- they will be getting all these competition messages from school/peers so you need to talk about that and reinforce that it is ok to go against the flow.

DH and I are both pretty laid back people but I think could have easily fallen into the go-go ECs mindset prevalent in the area but our kids are very strong willed and from an early age insisted on doing things their way.

DD was the only little girl who didn't do soccer or t-ball or dance or any of the standard little-kid activities.  She went to two dance classes at 3 years old and then refused to go again. She just wanted to play outside or do art so we followed her interests, went hiking a lot, signed her up for art classes.  Eventually she asked to do a sport and did fencing for a while but again no interest in doing it at an intense level, much to her coach's disappointment. As a teen she's still mainly interested in hiking, nature-related volunteer work, and art. But, she doesn't want to do art at school where it will become an obligation rather than a relaxing hobby.

She was always a top student and we never pushed, were fine with her approach to ECs, are happy for her to go to any college that fits her interests and ambitions (which will not be T20-type schools).  Still, she had a massive melt down early this year about the pressure to get into a top school, to get all As in a bunch of AP classes, worrying that she's falling behind because she's getting a B in a 10th grade AP class. I realized that while we are not putting that pressure on her it is endemic in her high school.  So we had to talk about the ridiculous expectations people put on kids, that you can get into a good college without doing all this stuff and that even those who practically kill themselves doing all of it are still a long shot for those tippy-top ranked schools. We encouraged her to pick APs for 11th just for the subjects she loves and buck the expectation of her peers that you take 4+ APs in junior year. She seems to be feeling better but we continue to talk about it.

DS also took his own path with ECs, preferring to spend time on a couple things at a hobby level, refusing any competitive engagement with them.  He still had plenty to talk about in college essays and is happily going to Virginia Tech in the Fall. He had excellent grades and a bunch of AP classes but only in subjects of interest and never even took an honors-level science class because those required a science project and he hates doing science projects.

I just started reading this book and it seems like we did do a lot of what they suggest to nurture self-confidence (that's the first chapter)...  Notice what actually interests your kids and nurture that, don't emphasize competition, provide space to focus on one thing. [/quote]

This is such a helpful response.  Thank you!  You sound like great parents, and I hope to provide a similar home environment and support for my kids.[/quote]

Thanks. One other thing to note that I think was important when they were younger (ES school age) was to prioritize play time with friends.  We made sure to schedule playdates regularly and leave time in our weekends for that.  It meant the super-competitive, my-kid-must-play-3-sports-families fell out of our social circle because their kids had no time to play and that was all for the best.  Both kids still prioritize spending time with friends. DS has a close circle of friends and has navigated well the transition from one friend group when he was younger to a different group in HS.  DD has had the same three BFFs since elementary school and keeps close to one even though she moved to a different city.

I also think with all of this it's important that parents model the same thing.  Spend time with your own friends. Have hobbies. If you don't have time for a hobby because you are spending all your time running your kids all over to their activities then they are probably too busy.[/quote]

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