Reply to Sibling Has Sadly Low Expectations for Nephew

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.[/quote]

That is very helpful to know.  I was not aware of that.[/quote]

DP. I’m sure it is hard and unpleasant to spend time with your nephew, but do understand that the current recommended practice for modifying behavior like this in kids with many kids of special needs is to ignore bad behavior (literally) and praise good behavior. This method works, but it takes time and is incremental and incredibly frustrating for everyone. It also looks an awful lot like terrible parenting from the outside, which can be a heavy and lonely load for parents to carry. That your sibling is presumably using this method indicates your nephew has a diagnosis of some sort and they are getting professional guidance. I’d offer them as much love and support as you can.

As for your own kids, I’d take them aside and say something like “what Johnny said was not nice. It hurt your feelings. Maybe he’ll say sorry later. He must be having really big feelings right now, so let’s leave him alone for a while.” Language age dependent, of course. But in private reiterate your belief that unkindness isn’t okay, express concern for your own kid’s feelings, and give a little window into the fact that your nephew doesn’t enjoy feeling like this - believe me, he doesn’t. Good luck![/quote]

This is OP. I appreciate this thoughtful response.  Do you also have recommendations for the smaller "bad" or unkind behavior that the parents might be ignoring as part of their practice but still causes my kids to get upset?  I truly want to be supportive of what they are dealing with and the approach they are taking but still have to deal with my kid/the conflict that the behavior creates.  I have talked with my kids about only being able to control themselves, being responsible for their own happiness, having empathy for the other kid's feelings, etc... but that doesn't necessarily help in the moment.   [/quote]

It’s hard, isn’t it! Sounds like you are doing a lovely job. I think I’d try to make a distinction in my mind between your sibling parenting their kid and you parenting yours. They should praise your nephew for incremental progress, but that doesn’t need you also need to. If he is mean to your kid, your kid doesn’t need to play with him. If he yells, your kid might need some time away doing something nice with you. Etc. It will mean approaching time with your nephew not as relaxing time to hang out, but work. Remember than every moment for your sibling with your nephew is this kind of work, though. It is unutterably exhausting. You mention in another post that your sibling is always pushing to get the kids together. That is because your nephew needs the practice. He needs to practice getting frustrated and reacting with flexibility and controlling his behavior. Keeping him away from other kids won’t help him develop skills. And of course friends don’t have to put up with bad behavior and so your nephew probably doesn’t have many. So you are their go-to. If you can, accept all the invitations to get together you can. But make them short, and end them if things get unpleasant...with a calm “sorry today was a rough day. We’ll see you again soon.”[/quote]

Thanks for this.  I think that mindset switch is a good one.  [/quote]

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