Reply to When marriage therapy brings out deep issues

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I have been on the other side of your problem and I empathize with your DH.

My DH maintained contact, some of which crossed boundaries (flirting in emails/social media), with two old girlfriends long into our marriage. When I explained that this was disrespectful of our marriage, DH initial reaction was defensive, asserting that they were harmless friends and that I was overreacting. This reaction by DH caused me to question myself - whether I was overreacting - so I kept quiet about it for years. It took individual therapy for me to normalize my feelings and reactions and discuss again with DH. Older now and long married, we were in a better position to understand.

So, what you see as a "sharp turn" may have been a long covered up grievance by your DH that he kept hidden exactly because of your earlier reactions that what you were doing by maintaining this relationship was completely harmless. [/quote]

NP - but did this "normalization" involve you realizing that these feelings were due to your own insecurities and that you needed to get over it? Or did "normalizing" involve you finally getting him to acknowledge that he needed to cut off these old friends?

I ask because it seems to me that it is silly that people cannot remain friends with old flames, and it seems to me that the insecure person needs to get over it.
[/quote]

PP here - my DH kept in touch with lots of old female friends, including ones he had dated, with no issues - I am not that insecure or controlling, but the "normalization" I had to come to was that the inappropriate boundary crossing with these two specific women was a different matter and DH acknowledged that this contact was unhealthy and needed to stop. Prior to that, I let DH's defensiveness that nothing was wrong - a little "harmless" flirting never hurt anyone kind of attitude - make me feel like I was over-reacting. As someone above said, Facebook is the devil! [/quote]

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