Reply to Sexless-ness is an acceptable negative outcome from marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP Here. Thanks for the responses. As a single woman, I meet divorced men from sexless marriages. [/quote]

I meant to add that many are really emotionally damaged from being in sexless marriages. [/quote]

I used to think that way before I was married. Poor guys! It’s not fair they were denied sex, sex is awesome!

Then I got married and I understand it now. It’s not that these women are secretly horny and denying their husbands as punishment, or that they consciously flip the off switch.

Sex is just as much of a biological drive for women as it is for men - but works the opposite as it does in men since the consequences (pregnancy) are much greater. For most of human history, women who got pregnant from men who were poor partners couldn’t care for the child alone, and the child would die. Several months or years of a woman’s fertile years would then be wasted, while a man could impregnate dozens of women in that time, and odds are one child would survive.

So the female brain looks for reasons NOT to have sex. It pays to be very picky about who you sleep with. Even though we now have birth control and resources for single moms, our biology is still the same.

Every single woman I know who lost interest in sex (including me) did so because their body recognized it wasn’t safe. Their husbands were poor fathers, emotionally unavailable (which makes the bonding aspect of sex painful), abusive, entitled, etc. Once they get out of that relationship and into a good one, sex drive comes roaring back.

When I dated divorced men after my own divorce, every  time a man has mentioned his wife lost interest, I could immediately see why. Most left their kids to pursue their career or lifestyle (seriously....one guy abandoned his kids so he could live somewhere with snowboarding). Or they let most of the childcare fall on their wives and couldn’t even feed a toddler. Or they didn’t respect boundaries, or had a drinking problem, or couldn’t control their temper.

Unfortunately we’re socialized to believe that men are entitled to sex (every woman I know has put out on a date because she felt obliged, not because she wanted to). But we’re not taught that it’s a two way street, and that men need to meet women’s needs as well. If you talked to those men’s’ wives, you’d find that the men contributed very little to the health of their marriage.

FYI....I’d be very cautious dating a man who blames his ex wife for the end of their marriage, and especially any man who claims to be emotionally damaged. Healthy people recognize the role they played in ending their marriage and they address their emotional issues in therapy. It’s not your job to heal their wounds.

[/quote]

There is a lot of wisdom in this comment.

Another thing I find odd is when people say "we had kids and then never had sex again." I think in many cases men get frustrated when sex doesn't return to its previous frequency quickly enough after children come along. Men seem to think things can be back to "normal" within a year or less. This reflects the very different levels of parenting responsibility men and women have, especially for young kids.

I dare men in this situation to spend a week doing as much caregiving as their wives do and then see what happens to their sex drives. For me, it didn't come back until kids were in school. That was how long it took before I started to feel like I could be an independent person again. Before that, I was so tired all the time from work and childcare, and my kids just seemed to need so much from me physically and emotionally. Sex was a really difficult thing to add to that mix. Once a month, if that. But once the kids were in school? Back to normal. Maybe even better than normal. It wasn't a blip but it wasn't the end of our sex life either.

Men who don't get that don't deserve sex, honestly. Women go through hell to create kids. Give us a damn break.[/quote]

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