Reply to How not to get a divorce because of dishes

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is so true!  I’ve always told people my divorce was due to my XH never putting his dishes in the dishwasher.  It was the last straw.  We both worked full time out of the house and all kid and house duties were left to me.  It didn’t start that way, he was a great partner and put forth an effort early in our marriage.  Once the kids came I just became the default everything.  He would sit on the couch on his computer while I’d be cleaning or mowing the lawn (no kidding).  He complained about how I did his laundry.  It finally dawned on me that [b]he didn’t value me or my time[/b], and the extra fee seconds it would have taken him to load the dishes were more important to him than my time.  I slowly lost respect for him and started to resent him.  Of course I didn’t realize any of this until after we split and I had some time to reflect.  Honestly it got to the point where he didn’t add any value to the relationship.  And my workload with the house actually became less when he moved out because I had one less person to take care of.[/quote]
[b]
You really trivialize your broken family this way? By telling people you put your children through that trauma because he wouldn't put the dishes in the dishwasher?

Do you think this is funny or something? Do you understand how people judge you when you put it that way?
[/quote]

Response from the article, that you did not read, and do not understand:

[b]Of course, it wasn’t about the glass. “It felt to her like I just said, ‘[b]Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are,[/b]’” he recalled.[/b]

I don't think PP gives a damn if you judge her.  That says more about you than it does about her or the ending of the marriage. [/quote]

Of course I judge her. She sounds like a [b]henpecker of a [/b]wife who was [b]unable to choose hills to die on[/b], so she [b]internalized laziness[/b]. [b]She[/b] blew up [b]her[/b] kids' life because [b]of that[/b]. [b]Projecting her own failings on[/b] her husband in such a [b]flippant[/b] way demonstrates [b]lack of internal perspective[/b] and the notion that such a [b]sarcastic[/b] response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical [b]shrew [/b]behavior.[/quote]

Of course I judge her. She sounds like an[b] empowered [/b]wife who was [b]unwilling to do the work that a grown man could do himself[/b], so she [b]asked him to do his own work[/b]. [b]He[/b] blew up [b]his[/b] kids' life because [b]he was unwilling to clean up after himself[/b]. [b]Insisting on her equality to[/b] her husband in such a [b]firm[/b] way demonstrates [b]her commitment to her own equality and to raising her kids in gender equality[/b] and the notion that such a [b]firm[/b] response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical [b]empowered female[/b] behavior.

FTFY

PP, I am raising my daughter to be equal to my son.  I am raising my son to be equal to my daughter.  I am raising both of them to take care of themselves independently and to be able to take care of a family independently.  I am raising them to become equal partners in a future domestic relationship; neither should grow up to be the slave to another human.

My time is as valuable as my husband's.  It is not my job to clean up after him (even if you think it is easy or quick or nice for me to do so.)  All the time that my husband expected me to do his share of cleaning, planning, child raising, grocery shopping, etc.  Is time that I could have spent on my own personal and career development and building relationships with others.  I don't mind doing 50%; I expect that.  I will not do more than 50%.  That extra time that my husband expected me to spend on him is simply a theft of time and a hindrance to my ability to accumulate all kinds of capital (physical, financial, social, etc.).  I also will not abide by rules that do not also apply to my husband.  If one parent goes out with buddies for an evening, the other parent has a right to equal personal time.

I divorced my husband because he believed that different rules and responsibilities applied to him than applied to me.  I did not marry to become a servant to another grown adult, and I sure as hell wasn't going to model that kind of servant relationship for my kids.  Better that they grow up in a divorced home but grow into thoughtful independent adults, than model my exDH's behavior. [/quote]

Love this. Every bit of it.[/quote]

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