Reply to Please tell me I’m doing the right thing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a guy I agree your doing the right thing for both yourself and child. My big question is why in the world you married him in the first place let alone had a child. His past untreated mental health issues should have been a pair of waving red flags. [/quote]

Please, let’s not blame the victim of domestic violence for the domestic violence, OK?  The entire reason people get into DV situations is the the abuser is nice in the beginning and the abuse escalates over time with intermittent good periods and apologies and promises of reform.  OP should be applauded for recognizing the abuse and recognizing she has to leave.

OP, I agree with others that it is best to leave before you child has any memory of the abuse.  As you can see, both emotional or physical abuse leave serious long term affects. Get out now, get as much physical and legal custody as you can.

The truth is that having a child sometimes triggers a mental health breakdown or worsens abuse or alcoholism.  In your case, your DH’s history of familial abuse is probably affecting him more prominently now that he is a father.

FWIW, while you aren’t responsible for the abuse, you really need to better manage your emotions. Frequent fighting and throwing things (even pillows) isn’t healthy communication.  Please see a therapist who specializes in DV - you and your baby will need the support.

Good for you for recognizing this is wrong and gettting out!![/quote]

Thank you, OP here.  FYI I wasn’t the one that posted throwing pillows.  I’m super cognizant about how I behave or say in front of the baby.[/quote]

So sorry to misread, OP!  You have the right instincts.  Consult a lawyer and make it your focus to end the relationship in a way that will get you as much physical and legal custody as possible.  Remember that whatever you can negotiate peacefully with your ex, the court is likely to sign off on.  Remember also that maintaining a good relationship with your ex can help you get even more custody time -- for example, my exDH didn't actually use all the time he had.  I made it easy for him.  If he wanted to skip out on a night or cut short a visit, I said OK cheerfully without complaining that he was a bad dad, which would have made him defensively keep his 50% of the time.  I do allow him in the house and had joint meals with him when they were little.  Again, I posed this as a convenience to him and always made dinner and kept things pleasant.  I think at that stage he realized he couldn't handle being a parent, and I thought it best to take what he could offer healthily.  He could arrive sober and stay for an hour visit.  He could not handle the kids overnight, so he would bail.  Although that was painful, it was actually a better choice.

It has caused problems a few times when he has behaved inappropriately in my house, but on balance, I and the kids have benefitted more than if we had cut him off hard, I believe (although I would have no problem doing that if his aggression increased beyond the occasional brief verbal aggression - of which he's had 1 in the last 2 years).

Later, when you have custody settled, you can consider if there is anything that you could/should do to help nudge him onto a healthier pathway.  But, right now, your priority has to be setting up you and your kids in a stable, safe, healthy home for whatever percent of the time you can get custody.  They will be better of with you part time in a healthy situation than full time with both of you in an unhealthy situation.  The latter leaves scars for life.

good luck![/quote]

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