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[quote=Anonymous]Op I saw your update and I’m glad you all have had these discussions. I had a similar situation with my husband though a smaller amount of money. But the same feelings were happening - me being controlling about money and maybe too frugal and him not sharing everything out of fear and shame. You have to get at the heart of this - I would go to therapy stat. That’s what we did and we are thriving now and have fully joint accounts and are successful financially. You will have to take some responsibility for whatever part you made in potentially leading him to feel scared to tell you this. He will need to take responsibility for letting his shame get the best of him and breaking trust in your relationship. You’ll have to figure out why he is scared to tell you things. In my case we discovered a pattern in my husbands family of wanting to keep everyone happy and being scared to share things that might upset someone. It’s difficult to fight against your families patterns.

My husband has had to work work work at this over there years since and it hasn’t been a straight line. Empathy from me has been huge. Empathy that this wasn’t intentional (but doesn’t take away the hurt and he needs to be 100% responsible) and tbat it was the result of patterns and fear. But I also held him to a very high standard that he has to figure this out with me and take responsibility. That this wouldn’t be acceptable in our relationship and I was very clear it could ruin it and lead to divorce.

I hope this gives you some hope that it can be done. For us we learned it didn’t work for one person to be In charge of finances or savings just because I enjoyed it. We both have to have ownership, be involved, and be checking in with each other and communicating regularly. At first this meant a pretty rigorous budget we both agreed to in YNAB that felt good to both of us with lots of check ins. Now we can do it without that. But we still do a yearly check in and I check in on how he’s feeling and him vice versa. You can get through this. [/quote]

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