Reply to Considering adopting from foster care 2 or 3 siblings

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[quote=Anonymous]There are lots of families with 6 kids. I would go to the training classes and see what you think after that. I would also ask the agency you're working with if you can provide respite care for other families who've adopted from foster care with them so you get a sense of what it's like (of course knowing that kids behave different for a babysitter).

In my experience, there is a huge difference between children who have been removed from their birth families and those who haven't. Another big difference between those whose parents were able to get them back versus parental rights being terminated. And a gigantic difference between those who were adopted by their caretakers (foster families or relatives) versus those whose caretakers were not willing or able to adopt them. Almost by definition, the kids in that final group have tremendous unmet needs. As a result, I think you have to go in expecting that any "waiting child" you adopt will have attachment issues, really challenging sibling dynamics (read about parentification, trauma bonds, etc.), the need for an IEP, and the need for inpatient/residential treatment at some point during their childhood. It is possible that you will get the rare sibling group where none of these are applicable but these things are the norm rather than the exception.

So read about FASD. Read about attachment disorders. Go to NAMI meetings and learn what it's like to have a family member with a mental illness (because a whole lot of parents whose kids are placed in foster care have mental illnesses, and a lot of them have genetic components, and trauma itself is a risk factor for serious mental illness). If you're in DC, go to a FAPAC meeting and meet other families who have adopted from foster care. Really think about if you are willing to have emergency psychiatric services, the police, social workers, and others coming to your house regularly. Think about what it will be like to have alarms on the windows and doors in your house to prevent kids from escaping or interacting unsupervised with each other. Are you prepared to put all knives, scissors, and the knobs to your stove in a lockbox so a child cannot harm herself or start a fire? Have a therapist and someone who can prescribe anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant medication FOR YOU lined up (most foster parents I know required meds even if they didn't before fostering) because you will not have time to figure it out when the kids are placed with you.

I was a foster parent of a grade schooler, in a placement  we thought was going to  be adoptive. It was the hardest thing we ever did. I was not nearly as good at it as I wanted to be. We wound up asking for the child to be removed. Now we volunteer with an organization that supports at-risk families in hopes that they won't need to enter the foster care system. It's a much better fit for us.

Someone needs to adopt the thousands of kids waiting for permanent homes. I hope your family is able to handle it. But be prepared that it will turn all of your lives upside down. [/quote]

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