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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi, OP. I was that kid, I remember telling myself "punishments don't matter, just stay strong and wait it out." I was very smart, had ADHD, and had very authoritarian parents. Everything became a power struggle because their response to my stubbornness and provocation (which it was! Intentionally to get them mad!) was to double down and be stricter and harder. Which made me double down even more. It was awful and the teen years were REALLY bad. My kids are young still, but my first is very stubborn (once she decides NO, there is no amount of pressure or bribery that can get her to change her mind) and I decided long ago that I was not going to engage in the same power struggles that my parents did with me. I can't really speak to the teen years, but I highly recommend treating him as the logical person he is - the books recommended above are great with that, but may be designed for younger kids. Model good behaviors (being thoughtful, apologizing when you are in the wrong, etc.) and get him a psychological evaluation just in case. I am a normal, kind person now, but that's despite of my childhood, not because of it.

It would be helpful if you would provide specific examples, so we can get a sense of whether this is behavior in the normal range or not.[/quote]

Thank you. I really appreciate this. See above....[/quote]

Also wanted to add that he is definitely digging in his heels. That is him MO. I do talk to him logically A LOT which I'm starting to think is a mistake. I also apologize when I'm wrong, and basically constantly teach my kids how to be a good person by pointing it out, "We could really use the extra money they gave us by mistake but it would be wrong to keep it so we're returning it," etc. It's really important to me. Which is why his behavior really burns me up. It's like he's saying, "I choose my own rules of right and wrong, not the family's."[/quote]

PP again. I responded already, but want to respond to this directly. You're doing the right thing, don't think that being harder or stricter will help. It absolutely won't. Plus your other child still needs that parenting, and you don't want to get in the business of treating your kids unequally. Is he explicitly saying "I choose my own rules?"  If he's not, he may be (in a f**k you sort of way) to get a reaction in another few years. But right now, he's still so young. He acts like a (mature? adult? fully formed?) person, but his brain is still a child's. He doesn't fully understand consequences and doesn't fully see the big picture to understand how he's impacting things. I remember justifying bad behavior mentally because of reasons that were SUCH a child's understanding of the world - and this was probably at age 13 or 14. It's a really hard time with a kid like this.

I would start connecting those general rules you're teaching to the specific things he's doing or you want him to do. Actually put two and two together with "if then" and "like, therefore" statements, etc. He's justifying why that general rule doesn't apply to him, so spell it out so he can't ignore the counterargument he's not seeing or intentionally disregarding.

Two things I wish my parents would have done differently (beside parent fundamentally differently): (1) Medicate my ass! I NEEDED antidepressants and ADHD meds, but didn't get them until I went to college and got them myself. It made SUCH a difference. The early teen stubbornness and rebellion turned into serious depression and self-destructive behavior as I got older. I really wish I could have been on meds so I wasn't dealing with the brunt of all of that alone. (2) Don't let him feel alone. This attitude is (obviously) indicating he feels like he's different from everyone else. If he doesn't feel like you're an emotional support, that is so so lonely. Family counseling would have been great. [/quote]

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