Reply to So tired of being “calm, reasonable - the better person/parent.”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think normal parents talk about their child like this.[/quote]

Of course they do.  Very few people are always feel patient, loving and kind and never get frustrated.  And those people mainline Valium.

OP— I think your mistake is assuming that you have to be loving, patient and kind and just take it, no matter what your kid dishes out.  Your kid needs space to be frustrate, angry, scared, hormonal— but she shouldn’t get the message that because she feels bad, she can be abusive.   It’s not just you. Part of your job is to raise a kid who isn’t an a@@hole to her roommate, spouse, kids, co-workers.   You don’t do her any favors by just taking it, not matter how abusive she is.

Decide what behavior crosses a line for you (personal insults, curse words, slamming doors, yelling— whatever behaviors you just won’t tolerate). Talk to your DD when you are both calm and tell her that the behaviors you have seen not acceptable and if it happens again, the following consequence will be imposed (ie, no iPhone for 48 hours). If it happens again, calmly tell her personal attacks cross the line and remove the phone.  Expect her to get even more upset by that, but hold the line.

Also, she’s not a toddler. You can tell her you are too frustrated to have a productive conversation and take a time out for yourself.   Just be sure to revisit the issue once you are calmer, the same day if possible.

Our family has a safe word.  If the word was “Watermelon” than if either parent or kid starts to get too angry or frustrated, they say “Watermelon,” the conversation stops and we give each other some space. But, you can only call Watermelon once on an issue, and we all sit down at the table and finish the discussion within 24 hours. It works well when situations are escalating. 
Offer to help her find ways to deal with anger that are less destructive, like hitting a pillow, taking a run, writing in a  journal, etc.

If she really seems abnormally upset and angry, get mental health treatment. [/quote]

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