Reply to Would you cut off an evil, toxic mother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Fast forward thirty years or so.  Your children determined that you made mistakes that were unforgivable, you were not supportive enough and therefore you were flat-out evil.  Thus they were encouraged to end their relationship with you by a professional, who never heard your side of the story.

How would you feel?

Look, you are a parent.  You have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes.   Do you want your kids to harbor and remember only the negative you've inadvertently done to them?  Do you want your future relationships with them dependent upon a third-party professional (who has billing hour requirements)?

FWIW, my mother at points in her life called me lazy (when I didn't clean my room) and called me stupid (when I did something dangerous and scared the heck out of her, like hitchhiking) called me mean (when I neglected to care for the dog as I was supposed to) etc.

Was it hurtful that she said those things to me?  Yes - but I also learned that she was right about my actions.  I know that my mother didn't have the easiest life nor the best parents and she tried to raise me the best way she knew how.  That included not being the best at communicating, so yep, she hurt my feelings.  But that got my attention and made me correct my actions.  So in that respect, she was successful.

My mother made mistakes, sure.  But when I became an adult I was able to forgive her and see things differently from her perspective.  That allowed me to let go of some of her behaviors and not take them to heart because I knew she didn't mean it.

Using the word "evil" is rather strong based on the fact the only behaviors you identified were verbal.  Yes, verbal abuse is damaging.  But I personally reserve the word "evil" for people like murderous psychopaths, not a mother who made mistakes.

This makes me think you are overinflating your mother's bad actions.

I find it hard to believe that your mother really thought you were stupid if she paid for college for you.  I can only imagine the financial and other sacrifices she made to do so as a single parent.

As my mother aged, our relationship became much better and she was able to finally express herself in a much more emotionally connective and affectionate way.

I wouldn't have missed those last years with my mother for anything.

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NP. Are you really comparing your mother calling you mean for neglecting your dog to a mother refusing to hug a child or show physical affection?

I consider evil to be abstract and relative, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to lump people who abuse children into the evil category. I don’t think a person has to murder to be evil.

I also think there’s a big difference between making mistakes and being abusive. It sounds like your mom called you out on your bs as a teen. That’s not abuse. Harsh language on occasion could be a mistake, but you’re conceding to everything your mom said so it doesn’t even sound like a mistake. If OP becomes abusive to her kids, to the point where they need extensive therapy, and pretty much all interactions with her leave the kids feeling worse than they were before, then she probably deserves to be cut off. But caring people who make mistakes don’t do that to others. Abusers do. Not every bad parent has a heart of gold and they simply don’t know better but they try so hard. Some people just suck. No need to apologize for them or keep taking their abuse. It’s okay to drop the rope. [/quote]

Weirdly enough, I can deal with harsh words better than I could deal with manipulation and lies.  A person can say (and mean) harsh things when they are upset.  That happens and at least when they're yelling at you, you know why they're mad and where you stand at the moment with them.

I think the worst are the passive aggressive people who kill you with kindness while stabbing you in the back.  Trust is a big thing with me.  If I can't trust you I can't abide by you.  Period.

Just pointing out that there is more than one way to be "toxic and evil".  If my parent grouses at me, I'll probably turn the other cheek.  If they mislead me or attempt to manipulate me or try to undermine me - I back away.

[/quote]

That’s kind of the point. Occasional mistakes don’t warrant cutting someone off. Continued abuse does. [/quote]

Agreed[/quote]

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