Reply to Handling family members who are not self-aware

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm assuming you aren't helpless and passive with your DH and that you fall back into learned patterns when you're around you're parents.  What would your response have been if your DH was behaving as your father - and don't say your DH wouldn't.  Use your imagination.  Wouldn't you have put your foot down, advocated for your kid and then do what needed to be done to make sure your DS's needs were being met?

Instead, you became this passive, unassertive wimp who is more worried about the impact of your behavior on your mother rather than what was happening with your child.  You allowed your parents ('cause your mother is also making choices here) to call all the shots and you were just a victim of their choices.

It is not your family members who lack self-awareness, it is you.  Per your OP, this happens every time and so rather than look to them to be different or more aware, you need to be more aware of how you can stop being a victim.  You are capable of controlling your time with your parents.  You choose not to. This is definitely not an unbreakable dynamic.[/quote]
What is somebody to do in that situation? Drag somebody who is half a foot taller than me out of the house? I try to advocate for myself and my child, and I get lectured. I can’t win, so I think I’m going to stop trying. [/quote]

You don't try to advocate, you ACT.  Hire an Uber.  Order in a pizza.  Get a second rental car.  Tell your parents that you are taking your child out to eat for an early dinner, just the two of you, and ask if they want you to bring them something back to eat.  Get your child to bed on time.  Go shopping and fill the rental house with snacks.  There are so many other options besides sitting back, getting lectured and apologizing for your mother's choices.[/quote]

This. I don’t “ask” or explain things to my parents or ILs- I’m in my 40s! We TELL them what we (our immediately family) are doing, as described above. We’d tell them we are leaving to grab dinner, and see you back at the hotel! I find this entire scenario difficult to understand- sounds more like a teenager/parent dynamic than a mature adult child with a family of her own/parent dynamic. [/quote]

THIS. "Josie needs to eat now, so we're going to walk across the street to the taco place. Have a good dinner."[/quote]

Y'all live in an odd reality where people respond to you in predictable ways and everything turns out favorably for you.

"Josie needs to eat now, so we're going to the taco place."
"Oh great, we'll join you, just give us a minute. "
Waits a minute, prods the grandparents, causing grandpa to yell and lecture.
Or
"Ok dad, we'll meet you at the taco place. "
They arrive while you're already eating, grandpa  gets huffy and hurt, causing him to yell and lecture.

I agree that op does need to set boundaries and be firm. But don't kid yourself that this plan will elicit a different response from grandpa. 
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