Reply to separation/divorce/coparenting when one spouse travels a lot for work

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you think he actually wants 50-50? You may want to consider a more nontraditional arrangement that maximizes his unpredictable time in town with them, but not at the expense of continuity. So you get them Sun-Thurs, and he gets Fri - Sat PM, but live close together so he can do school drop-offs, therapy appts, dinners? Then on weeks he travels, hopefully he can arrange to be back in town by Friday to avoid losing days. He can also get extra time on school holidays, weeks during the summer, etc. [/quote]

I would [b]never[/b] advise doing this.  I am 10 years post-divorce with an ex who travels a LOT for work.  I have full custody, but since I also do all the parenting, all my parenting time is taken up with school, homework, sports and activities, medical and therapy appointments, etc.   I have very little "fun" time with my kids and that has definitely been damaging to our relationship.  I would never agree to let my ex have only FRI to SUN.  When he is here, he has dinner 2x (he used to have 3 but he voluntarily dropped when he married, which was devastating to the kids) during the week and one day on the weekend.

When we first divorced, I bent over backwards to accommodate travel, making up for the time he lost when he was gone.  The problem is that this also became disconcerting to the kids because the schedule was always changing.  As they grew a bit older, I stop this accommodating.  If he is concerned about the amount he sees the kids, he has many job opportunities with less travel.  His choice what he prioritizes.

Both accommodating his travel and being the full time parent severely hurt my career and income earning ability which was not at all made up for by child support (nor did he provide extra child support while he was traveling, so I paid for any extra help out of pocket).

It's a raw deal if the other parent doesn't want to be a 50/50 parent, and there is nothing you can do to force it.

[/quote]

So why didn't you get the child support adjusted when it became clear he wasn't doing 50-50?  [/quote]

Because, frankly, child support is de minimus.  Receiving 80% instead of 50% isn't what is going to rescue me financially.  The biggest thing that kills me financially is having an ex spouse that does NO parenting.  That means no medical appointments, no homework, no school meetings, no carpools for activities, nothing.  He has never in his life taken time off work to attend to something on the children's behalf nor turned down a work opportunity because it would take him away from the kids.  When he's here he takes them out for a meal a few times a week, and he's frequently out of town without more than a few days notice to me for 4-8 weeks at a time.

I, by contrast, had to turn down a number of extremely lucrative job offers either because they would have involved long, making partner type hours or because they involved 25% travel.  exDH does not take any custody of the kids (it's entirely his choice), so I feel that I have to be there for the kids.  I don't think I can work 9-8 every weekday plus some weekends when I am the solo parent.  Complicating the situation is that both kids are either SN or have had significant medical problems that required me to be at home with them or shuffle them to doctor and therapy appointments during the week and take on an extra layer of tutors.  All of this requires that I be home during the normal work week more than the average person and is therefore not compatible with a regular 9-5 job, let alone a high paying one.   If I had a co-parent that lives in the home, this kind of higher paying job would be sustainable, but without one, it's just not.  Let alone the fact that the kids already have one parent that they clearly can see is checked out and unreliable; they can't have a second parent who is unavailable.

Instead I have stitched together self-employment that pays a reasonable hourly rate, but of course there's a lot of unpaid hours to support the paid ones (billing, product development, marketing, etc.).  I make 1/3 of what I could if I could have if I'd stayed in traditional employment in an area that my education and work experience supported.

I know this will get a lot of flames -- you should just make him co-parent or why did you marry the guy?  Obviously, I wouldn't have gotten together with a guy who didn't support my career.  When we were single, it was easy for him to be verbally supportive.  During the three years in which we had 2 kids, while I was in grad school, he never made the switch to co-parenting.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

And finally, I am the one left holding the bag financially; he never tells them no about anything because he writes his check to me and that is that.  I am the one that receives all he bills and requests and pays them.  Child support doesn't pay 1/2 of what it really costs to raise a child.  The court doesn't order braces, or college, or that after school activity that is expensive nor the out of network psychiatrist.  I am the one that has to tell my child we can't afford it.  Sometimes I do that.  Sometimes I short myself in order to pay for the kids (haven't been to a dentist or doctor in ages) if it's something we really need and will cost more in the long run if we don't pay up front (like good doctors).

The notion that the court can increase child support enough to make up for all this is laughable. I think you know that. [/quote]

No, I don't know anything. None of what you wrote makes a ton of sense.  If you wanted him to take more time -- why didn't you insist on that?  If he just refused, then I'm not sure why you also let him control the expenses as well?  Why didn't you have an agreed-upon list of expenses and ensure that he paid his share?  [/quote]

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