Reply to Task home division specilizing Marriage Counselor would make a FORTUNE if there was one.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a marriage counselor and I have been asked in sessions to help create a job list, which, to your point OP, I refused to do.

Generally I find that when it has devolved into constant bickering about chores and it’s really about scorekeeping and resentment. There is no job list that will deal with that task.   There are many things that we do for our partners that cannot be placed on a list. Do you smile when they walk into the room and ask them how their day is? Do you put aside the phone during dinner and ask your partner questions?  Do you tell her she looks beautiful or compliment his new haircut? That’s what a relationship is, it’s about connecting. When couples aren’t connecting on that level that’s when they become resentful and scorekeeping of chores. You have to manage the issues in the relationship which are the root. [/quote]

You must have couples though where one doesn't see or comprehend the extent that the other one does at home.

I see this issue all the time on here (usually yes the woman is the one doing all the work but not always).[/quote]

I think if somebody needs validation about the work that they are doing it can be one of two things: the first is that  you could be married to an ungrateful person. The second is that if you require a lot of validation it’s because you have unfulfilled  needs that cannot be filled by your partner. I generally find it’s the latter, that there isn’t enough thank you and validation to get rid of the resentment you feel that you are doing a lot of the household tasks.And that doesn’t have anything to do with your partner, it has to do with a lifelong feeling of not being appreciated.

Also, I see couples where the wife is complaining that the husband travels too much for work or works too many hours.

We all have to be responsible for our own happiness. If you think your partner is going to “make you happy “you will be in for a lifetime of disappointment. They can add to your happiness, they cannot make you happy.[/quote]

I did for a while need a whole bunch of validation because my husband *refused* to say thank you for things he thought just needed to get done. Yes, they NEEDED to be done, and I was doing them. But hearing "thank you for making dinner" actually was rather nicer than complaints about what I made.  For a while I was spewing list of what I'd done over the day in the house (and I'm not a full time SAH BTW) like I vacuumed! I washed the bathrooms! I made bread! in hopes to elicit some sort of validation that my efforts was worthwhile. But I'd get crickets.

So, maybe I had unfulfilled needs that couldn't be filled by my partner. Maybe I had a metric ton of resentment. Maybe I just needed to hear thank you for all you do once in a while (and yes, I did and still do thank him for the things that just need doing ... like taking out the trash and laundry, etc. It isn't that he doesn't do those things). I'm sure if somebody else took the dog out and clean up her vomit he'd say thank you to them. I just think I deserve the same treatment.

FWIW, I think most mothers are under appreciated until kids get older and realize everything their moms did for them. And my husband did start saying thank you when I did something. I think it didn't come naturally to him, but he made the effort, and I appreciate that.

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This was a constructive and helpful post.

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