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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I posted the other day about teen with behavior issues at home. We had a chat and things were good for a few days, until this morning. Today, he started off by asking his mother for some chain he wants to wear, and shouting at her to buy it immediately.[/quote]

There is nothing--NOTHING--about your son's behavior that is unusual. What is unusual is how happy you are to escalate every interaction with him.

Here's a little Teen 101 for you, useful for most conversations.

What you/DW should have done when DS started shouting: Calmly, "DS, I am not going to talk to someone who is shouting at me." or "I'm happy to talk to you about this when you stop shouting."

Repeat once or twice if necessary. If shouting doesn't stop, WALK AWAY. Don't engage.

If shouting does stop: Engage in conversation about the chain. Listen politely to his interest in the chain. Ask polite questions about the chain, just because you are interested in the way he is thinking about things, because he is your son and you are supposed to find him interesting. "Hmm, how come you want one of those?" "Huh. I don't see many men wearing chains like that. When/where would you wear it?" "I have noticed that athletes/musicians sometimes wear chains."  You know, CONVERSATION.

After you have engaged in polite conversation with your loved one about something that interests him, you can offer your opinion if you feel you must. (Although opinions don't always have to be offered!!) "I have to admit, I'm not really a fan of chains like that." Maybe you even have a reason: "Since you play sports so much, I would worry you might get it caught on something and get hurt." or "Maybe it's silly, but I worry that other adults might judge you harshly if you wore a chain."

Then depending on the seriousness of the topic, you can acknowledge that reasonable people can disagree. "But I can see why it might appeal to you." "But I know I'm probably being old fashioned." (For something really serious you might say, "I know not everyone agrees with me, but I feel strongly about this.")

Then state your verdict. Calmly, without being judgmental. "Well, I have to be honest, that's not something I want to spend money on."

Then, recognizing that IT IS HIS BODY and HE IS NOT YOU, NOR IS HE A REFLECTION OF YOU and YOUR PERMISSION IS NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED FOR CHAIN-WEARING and CHAINS ARE LEGAL, SAFE, AND A REVERSIBLE CONDITION, you should do the opposite of forbidding something as ridiculously benign as a chain and say, "You should save up for it if it is something you really want."

[quote]
At this point, I am wondering who can I get involved for outside help. It is clear he needs therapy, but he won't consent to it by himself. Should we call his pediatrics office, may be they have resources. But again I am sure he will refuse to come for any appointments. What other resources are available for clearly troubled teens like this. [/quote]

I agree that you may need outside help, but I would get it for you and DW, not for DS (at least not yet). You need to learn how to interact positively with a teenager. Once you have attended to your own issues, you will be able to diffuse the tension at home. That should help improve his behavior significantly. If it doesn't, then it's time to think about therapy for him.[/quote]

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