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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm speaking on my experience and that of two friends who also divorced abusers.

If you move forward with wanting to limit custody, or the visits being limited/supervised be prepared for a long road. It's doable. You will need a lot of evidence, well organized and a good lawyer, but don't expect them to do all the groundwork. You will need texts, journal entries, written accounts, lists of witnesses, lists of issues etc. and you will likely do all that yourself. I would start compiling relationship history now. Use a detailed calendar. Use various formats, like a highlighted calendar page instead of all just written stories. Make a timeline.

1) Friend one's experience - she decided not to fight for full custody or limit access. He at first wanted full weeks. Gradually over a year this has decreased and now it's four days every month or so. He drinks a lot with kids there and she has this documented and lawyers have attempted to get him to limit it. He is verbally and physically abusive to her. No police involvement other than in his first relationship.

2) Friend two - got her ex to sign an access agreement before he had a lawyer. She had a lawyer who drafted it. He was having an affair so he might have felt guilty. Verbally and emotionally abusive, some physical. He wants to contest it now but that is difficult once its been done, given there haven't been any major changes to circumstances.

OP here and this is really so helpful, thank you.  To those who have questioned my behavior - Why didn’t I call the cops with each incident? A few nights in jail, TPO for a month, attorneys fees alone cost us $4,000.  Yes us, bc we are still married, so he can WD from joint accounts all he wants.  And the TPO for a month? Blessed peaceful time at home, but me scrambling daily for drop-off AND pickup, no family nearby, making daily excuses why I can’t put in full day at the office while hiding my bruised face under makeup and my hair.  Getting him out of the house was harder than I thought it would be, and then, I couldn’t afford to take care of my kids on my own.

Now it seems that though I have fought hard to get a better job, to position me to leave, I may have done myself in. For those who said “You sound like you are dramatizing....if it were a man who couldn’t afford it.” I have been in an abusive marriage with a raging addict for a 14 years. Two months ago, I got a promotion and the extra $ might just be enough. Enough to pay RENT (we’re too poor to buy), daycare, before and after care for 3 kids, food, utilities, health insurance, braces. No 401(k). No 529. No vacations. No kids’ activities. So yeah, I CANNOT afford to pay him child support! We will barely break even each month.

Someone else said well when you divorce, you have to lower lifestyle standards, etc.  We are not typical DCUM. We’re barely above water now, together combined HH income $140 or so.   Not sure how much more I should be grateful to pare down my lifestyle when we are already just making it.

Yes I am freaking out. I want out of this marriage, I want the stop the daily tirades of yelling and humiliation I have had to endure. I want to go to bed without fearing my husband will clock me over the head, and I have to lie and hide bruises under my hair.

Walk a mile in my shoes, then you can lambast me for being incensed that I have to pay HIM because I can finally afford to break free.

3) My situation - currently starting an assessment process where a therapist will write a report with their recommendations. Ex hasn't seen kids in a year. He had supervised access the year before. I'm 2.5 years in. Kids are doing well and I have lots of evidence to support the positive changes in their lives. I have everything documented and ordered and my lawyer is a firm voice and gives strong advice. He wants to see kids but not supervised. He was abusive to me in every way and abusive to kids in many ways. All sorts of protection orders and police involvement.

Things for you to think about:
- get a consult with a lawyer to get initial advice on first steps
- don't worry about the money right now, I think if you can prove you had to leave and got this job to do so, a good lawyer will have no problem limiting what you have to pay him, plus the money and support don't get resolved and ordered instantly
- get a good therapist, you'll need emotional and practical support and someone to help you see and understand the abuse comprehensively
- he might only want the kids limited time, but may want more just to fight you or stay connected to controlling you, to hurt you, etc. and once he gets a lawyer they'll likely argue 50/50 even if he only wants a couple days because that would be in his best interest
- abusers seem to hire vindictive lawyers, but you are still better off with someone firm and fair. It will be a long journey but IME thy eventually did themselves in
- re. police - a judge will want to know why you didn't call the police if it was that bad, so it's good that there are times you have. It helps to have their involvement but in custody matters it's not like they pulled up all past police complaints. More so if you want protective orders.
- be prepared for him to escalate and things to get worse before they settle
- reach out to women's shelters for support group information
- buy things you need now, do things you need to do now (like house projects, passports, etc) so that if/when you start the process you have limited stressors[/quote][/quote]

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