Reply to Is joint custody a fait accompli? [MD]

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm speaking on my experience and that of two friends who also divorced abusers.

If you move forward with wanting to limit custody, or the visits being limited/supervised be prepared for a long road. It's doable. You will need a lot of evidence, well organized and a good lawyer, but don't expect them to do all the groundwork. You will need texts, journal entries, written accounts, lists of witnesses, lists of issues etc. and you will likely do all that yourself. I would start compiling relationship history now. Use a detailed calendar. Use various formats, like a highlighted calendar page instead of all just written stories. Make a timeline.

1) Friend one's experience - she decided not to fight for full custody or limit access. He at first wanted full weeks. Gradually over a year this has decreased and now it's four days every month or so. He drinks a lot with kids there and she has this documented and lawyers have attempted to get him to limit it. He is verbally and physically abusive to her. No police involvement other than in his first relationship.

2) Friend two - got her ex to sign an access agreement before he had a lawyer. She had a lawyer who drafted it. He was having an affair so he might have felt guilty. Verbally and emotionally abusive, some physical. He wants to contest it now but that is difficult once its been done, given there haven't been any major changes to circumstances.

3) My situation - currently starting an assessment process where a therapist will write a report with their recommendations. Ex hasn't seen kids in a year. He had supervised access the year before. I'm 2.5 years in. Kids are doing well and I have lots of evidence to support the positive changes in their lives. I have everything documented and ordered and my lawyer is a firm voice and gives strong advice. He wants to see kids but not supervised. He was abusive to me in every way and abusive to kids in many ways. All sorts of protection orders and police involvement.

Things for you to think about:
- get a consult with a lawyer to get initial advice on first steps
- don't worry about the money right now, I think if you can prove you had to leave and got this job to do so, a good lawyer will have no problem limiting what you have to pay him, plus the money and support don't get resolved and ordered instantly
- get a good therapist, you'll need emotional and practical support and someone to help you see and understand the abuse comprehensively
- he might only want the kids limited time, but may want more just to fight you or stay connected to controlling you, to hurt you, etc. and once he gets a lawyer they'll likely argue 50/50 even if he only wants a couple days because that would be in his best interest
- abusers seem to hire vindictive lawyers, but you are still better off with someone firm and fair. It will be a long journey but IME thy eventually did themselves in
- re. police - a judge will want to know why you didn't call the police if it was that bad, so it's good that there are times you have. It helps to have their involvement but in custody matters it's not like they pulled up all past police complaints. More so if you want protective orders.
- be prepared for him to escalate and things to get worse before they settle
- reach out to women's shelters for support group information
- buy things you need now, do things you need to do now (like house projects, passports, etc) so that if/when you start the process you have limited stressors[/quote]

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