Reply to S/O: my husband...did not get hot

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My take as a late 30's dude married to a woman with a bikini body that pisses off all the other women at the pool / beach.

- Bodies come in all shapes and sizes.  My wife works hard for her body, but she's also naturally built thin, but with C cups.  I'm sure she could hypothetically eat her way to a size 16, but she's naturally a very tall size 0 or 2, even when she doesn't work out.  When she doesn't work out for months on end (and gains a little weight), the only difference is her butt / thighs get a little saggy.

- Other women I know have had to basically starve themselves to get the same body.  They look amazing, but it's not healthy, nor is it sustainable.  I dated a girl once that I'm now friends with.  Something came up years later about what great physical chemistry we had and what a great body she had (no, not like in comparison to her not having a great body today.  I'm not that stupid).  Her response was "Yeah, that's because I had a full blown eating disorder and had to seek treatment afterwards..."  My sister has massive weight swings, and looks amazing when she's thin, but can never stay there.

[b]- On the guy side, many of us tend to get lazy once we're getting steady affection, sex, have kids, etc.  To be honest, it's kind of the "I've already won" mentality, and I know it's not healthy or good for the relationship.  I have a pretty great life, and it's really easy to eat and drink too much, especially on business trips (I travel frequently).  Couple that with getting sick more often when kids are small (they're always bringing stuff home), which puts a big damper on a workout regimen.  And, when traveling / working long hours, and entertaining clients late into the night, it's that much harder to get up and go to the gym at 5am.

- Personally, I've realized that my weight and activity level has a massive impact on my energy level, performance at work, drive to get S done around the house, and sex drive with my wife.  I'm also aware that people make professional judgements all the time based on how you look, and an in-shape guy in a slim fit suit is going to do way better with clients, sales, and getting promoted than a pudgy dude in a suit that fits like a pillowcase.  These are all big drivers for me.  Maybe figure out if you can use any of them as motivators for him.  Did he get passed up for a promotion?  Feels like he's not where he wants to be at work?  Complaining about feeling tired and getting sick a lot?  Exercise and diet does wonders for all of that.[/b]

- I agree with others that you're going to have to get his butt in gear.  Throw out the junk food, chastise him for snacking, make him eat healthier, drink less, etc.  I know this is not fun or sexy for a spouse to have to do, and you might feel like his mother, but I'm being pragmatic here.

- From a diet standpoint, you can eat your way through any exercise regimen, so you have to start eating better.  That means cutting out snacking, or at least small portions of healthier snacks.  Reducing liquid calories (lots of sugar in coffee / soda /  tea, alcohol).  Making better decisions at restaurants.  Ordering a meal, eating half, and taking the rest home.  You can help him with this.

- From an activity standpoint, he needs to find one or two activities, and stick with it.  I used to hate running, but have found that I really like trail running in the woods, so try to do that up to 5 times a week.  I'll go 25 days in a month running 2-4 miles every day and feel great, then disaster will strike.  Multiple business trips in a row followed by a long cold and work stress or something.  You have to get his body craving it, and get back on the horse when the regimen gets interrupted (which it inevitably will).

- Lifting weights is also a great way for a guy to look better (both with clothes and naked) for pretty minimal work.  I bought a bunch of dumbbells and a weight bench, and lift every other day in my basement for like 10-15 minutes.  It's super fast, not hard work, my testosterone levels skyrocket (you'll benefit), my wife loves it, and I love it too.  It won't give me a six pack (I'm 6'1, 200 lbs), but I'll look a heck of a lot better in a bathing suit.  [/quote]

This is OP. Wow, that was really insightful / interesting to read - thank you! I completely agree that some people have to work much harder to stay in shape than others, and I am absolutely not expecting him to look like a male swimsuit model. I just want him to be healthy and fit and prioritize staying active. I always hear, "If you don't use it, you lose it" and I really think we're approaching that age.

The bolder paragraphs especially spoke to me. Other PPs seem to think he has depression (and can I absolutely definitively 1000% say that's not what's going on? No.), but I really think you're more on point with the idea that he's settled into a relatively happy and comfortable life and it just stopped being a priority. I think it's less a mental health think and more a thing where he's completely out of the habit of daily exercise and it feels like too much of a PITA to start so he doesn't. I mean, I LOVE working out and don't feel like myself when I take too long off...but even when I've had to take breaks (postpartum, surgery, etc) and have gotten out of the routine, it's something I have to really FORCE myself to do for awhile. We have a good life and are generally happy, and I think

You are SPOT on with the energy thing. Definite catch 22 but one  of his biggest excuses is he doesn't have energy to work out / is exhausted by the end of the day (working out in the morning has been suggested but is out of the question - he's not a morning person at ALL). He doesn't work crazy hours or anything, but like everyone is tired by the end of the day + commute, and exercise just keeps getting pushed farther and farther back as a priority.

He is in sales and I think your point about the importance of looking fit as opposed to sloppy is also astute. I don't want it to seem like a dig though...Your advice (and other PPs, with one glaring exception) seems to be to just straight out, and in a supportive manner, bring some of these points up to him.. Yes?

Thanks again for your insight - I agree with PP, you should post more[/quote]

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