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[quote=Anonymous]I have mixed feelings about it.

The positives -  I had the attitude that I wanted my parents bad marriage and constant fighting, things I couldn’t control, to have a silver lining where I do better in my own adult life when I can make the decisions. Imagining a different ending for myself and reading a heck of a lot to escape the tension were my coping mechanism. So I had a low BS threshold with guys and had the mindset that I would rather not marry than be in a bad marriage.  I also thought I would be willing to do IVF/sperm donor if I never met the right guy because I knew I wanted to be a mother and didn’t want to be with the wrong guy just to have a child. I am happily married now and feel I went into the marriage understanding the importance of communication, shared values, compromise yet still standing up for yourself, and always letting the person know you value and appreciate them and vice versa.   My parents individually are good people and good individually as parents.  Personally I think they suck at relationships and it was the things they weren’t doing to nurture the marriage, IMO, why it crumbled.  They are now divorced, neither in a serious relationship, and my dad at one point wanted to get back with my mom.  Financially I do think they were able to maintain a middle class lifestyle that would have been more difficult if they divorced.  Also, my dad would have definitely have remarried and we would have needed to deal with a blended family because he isn’t one to want to be alone.

The negatives - for me it turned out okay but I lived a decent portion of my childhood with them having a United front.  My much younger siblings had more of the fighting.  By the time my youngest sister was in middle school they would contradict each other and she was right in the middle of the frustrations. One would say yes you could go to the party, the other would day no.  My mom who was typically very hands on would get so pissed at my dad she would let my sister do whatever because she didn’t want to fight.  My dad would get so upset he wouldn’t be in his separate room and would instead go to his secret girlfriends house.  My youngest sister had more issues in transitioning to adulthood.  I know I struggled with trust and abandonment issues because I felt my dad was putting his social life above us and because he had to be dishonest about his whereabout we wouldn’t even known how to reach him in the case of an emergency (this was pre cell phones and early days).  I had a lot of hurt and anger in my relationship with him that eventually we overcame but the first step was he acknowledged being wrong and apologized to me when we discussed it.  Forgot to mention in the end my dad filed for divorce, because the other woman in his life was pressuring him and my youngest sibling just finished high school.  He had the sheriff’s office serve papers to get my mom out the house ...and he remarried a woman that had lots of issue she of her own.  Things were even crazier for awhile.

So honestly the best answer is to work on your marriage.  Don’t stay together for the sake of the kids, both be willing to work on your marriage.  If only one person is willing to do the work, I would look for ways to co-parents effectively in different households.  I believe at least one person is seeking out other relationships to get the sex, appreciation, and companionship that is missing in the “stay for the kids”marriage.  That’s tough seeing as a child and dealing with that. Also, at any point the house of cards can fall apart if the spouse falls in love with someone else so whatever financial security you think you have may be only as good as the other person’s options.
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