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[quote=Anonymous][url]Usually the parents, a controlling Mother, that contribute to the onset and worsening of the disorder. So take a look in the mirror and at your post trying to "control" the outcome. Great place to start, your own behavior towards your daughter. [/url]

OP here. Whoever wrote this... it was a stunning punch in the gut. It really was. I've been checking back to my post for 2 days to absorb the community wisdom and referrals on something that is worrying me sick. And your post felt shockingly cruel.

I have frequently felt, in the past 6 years I have been in this child's life, that I'm the only real adult. That I'm the only one who pays attention to her. Who ever notices when she needs help. I'm the only one who has ever taken her to the doctor or other providers to deal with strep, with pinworms, with lice, with a broken finger, with whatever was bothering her. Mom and Dad? "Yeah. It's probably nothing serious." I am the one who asks her if she's done her homework before giving her an answer about whether she can watch tv.  I'm the one who talks to her about how to treat her friends nicely. I'm the one who has set "rules" for her cell phone use when she was handed a $500 smart phone at 9. I'm the one who gave her a bedtime when I met her when she was 7 and she was an out-of-control, sleep deprived monster. I was the one who insisted she take showers when she got her 2nd bladder infection in 2 months at 8. You're right. ALL of this behavior is, in fact, controlling. Very controlling.

I never wanted my own children. But I fell in love with her father, and almost simultaneously fell in love with her, but I had no intention of trying to be her mom until I realized how badly she needed one. Dad isn't a bad guy. But he's an absent-minded work-aholic. I don't know mom well and frankly don't feel qualified to judge why she fails to parent well. It appears from afar that she was also basically emotionally and physically neglected as a child but grew up in an incredibly privileged situation so it doesn't seem as obvious or as abusive as it would have seemed if she had been raised in a different neighborhood. (She was taught she didn't need to bother to flush her own toilet b/c there are people you pay for that. So she STILL doesn't flush it. She doesn't live with her own full-time live-in staff anymore but she still doesn't flush. She lives under the theory that "someone else will come along and do it" b/c it's gross and she "shouldn't have to.") Sorry, but someone who was raised like that and continues to live in that kind of bizarre mental space isn't raising a child well in my opinion. I know I am being judgemental but telling a 6/7/8 year old that you don't care when/if they ever go to bed or ever eat or ever shower isn't good parenting. Not when they can't perform in school, they punch people when they're mad, and they're getting bladder infections. So yeah. After I married dad and moved in, I loved this little girl so much that this over-achieving, too ambitious/busy to ever want/have kids, turned into a mom over night. I set a bedtime that was mostly adhered to unless there was a good reason not to. I set some "safety" rules on cell phones I created from 10 hours of reading on the internet what other parents have done. I fed her regular meals. I made lunches. I changed jobs and make way less money so someone would be home and/or not working in the evenings. I pick kid-friendly vacations. I spend hours talking to her and doing things SHE likes to do. I learned to pretend to be interested in hair braiding and Dance Moms and those stupid cat books and memes and skinny jean shopping. I set rules like "we don't ever say I hate you in this house" and "kindess first" and gave her chores, which increase in number/intensity ever year she lives in my house. She she went from a 7 year old who smelled and who was a jerk and who was disruptive in class and who punched people and still peed in her pants to a mostly straight A, friendly, nice kid with lots of interests who didn't punch her way out of her problems and who seemed calm and happy. Maybe not every kid needs some "controlling" to be a happy, functional kid. She did.

And now I feel with every bone in my body that she's in trouble again. And no one is listening. And I am desperately scared for her. But Dad googles "how to tell if your child is anorexic" and sees things like "is she dramatically underweight?" and "has she missed more than 3 periods in a row" and feels satisfied that his beautiful, straight A daughter is a-ok b/c the answer to those particular things (right now) is no. It's fair to call me controlling if I want to do everything I can do/need to do to help her be the best person she can be. I love her madly. I don't care one iota what that person looks like. Or does. Or likes to do. I just care that she's healthy and happy. And she's neither. AND SHE'S ONLY TWELVE. I'm terrified. So part of me really really wants to tell whoever wrote that to FUCK OFF. And the other part of me is writing to say thanks.

Because, you know what? Of course I'm part of the problem. OF COURSE I AM. This kid is stuck in a weird family dynamic. And I'm a part of that everyday. How I respond to all of that weirdness. How I respond to her. What I say. What I do. And if I'm being honest, I would admit that ... since I frequently feel like I'm the [b]only [/b]one who notices what's going on with this child that I have become hyper vigilant, which isn't fair to her. She and I have very open honest conversations (usually) and she has told me on multiple occasions that I "see everything" in her. And that there is a really great side to that. I know when she needs new pants or a hug or a new rule or surprise cupcake or whatever. And she has told me for years how great it feels to have someone pay close attention. How loved and safe it makes her feel. But last year, she told me that it's a little too intense that I notice everything. That maybe sometimes I notice TOO much. That I can tell when she's lying about having a good day and I don't let it go. And I love that she has said that to me. And I have tried to do what good parents of preteens probably all struggle with--trying to back off as you watch someone who just barely learned how to wipe their butt properly to someone who is probably about to start having pressure to have sex. Try to give space. Try to give room for mistakes and bad judgement. Or just space for whatever. For being in a bad mood. For being rude. For being a bad friend. For getting yelled at by the coach for having a bad attitude. I've been working on just hugging her when she needs it and not controlling outcomes. And she basically had an entire summer out of my orbit. And it seems to me that she's fallen to pieces. And she is telling me she is unhappy and knows what she is doing is a problem and is asking me for help. So my immediate gut reaction is to get even MORE controlling. To force her to eat. To tell her that I will come to her school and watch her eat. And that if I see any more weight loss, she will be weighed every day and there will be negative consequences in her life and she will lose the things she loves (phone, tv, sports, access to friends, etc) if she keeps losing. Because I didn't know what else to do. And that's exactly why I posted. Because I have absolutely no clue whether this is just like when she was 7 and she needed someone to step in and give her structure and some rules to keep her safe and happy. Or if she needs something else entirely.

This is so scary people. So scary.  If I were religious, I would say that I pray that this isn't something you ever have to try to deal with. No parent should have to hear a beautiful amazing 12 year old tell them that they spend EVERY DAY thinking that they are the most hideous, worthless piece of shit in the world. I will do [u]anything [/u]to help her. If that's controlling her, I will. I will do it without hesitation for as long as it takes or as long as I am legally able to do so. But I will also take hard long looks at what I do to contribute to her anxiety or depression or ED or whatever it all is. Thanks for the reminder that I'm part of the problem. It's something I need to keep in mind as I hunt for the solutions for her and for our family. And you're right that me saying I am looking for a solution is controlling. But she's too important to the world for me not to try to control the outcome. I haven't seen her in 2 days. Last night, she texted me if I knew anyone who had ever killed themselves. Well, I do. My brother. And I will not lose her. Not now. And not to THIS.

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