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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It seems some people are saying it's not a big deal. Then go on to say they have little to no contact with the working-class family...That seems to be at odds with it not being a big deal, right?

I married someone from a different "class" -- which really sounds quite gross to even say. But our issues aren't mingling family, as that's fine. It's because of different expectations and goals that aren't always in sync.

He didn't grow up traveling, doesn't think it's important. I think it's important for kids to be exposed to different cultures and have those experiences. I put a lot of value in education. He thinks more that it doesn't matter what education you have, or if you have a high GPA/good grades/excel in programs, etc., as long as you get what you want out of it, and also that college isn't important. We spend tens of thousands of dollars a year for activities for the kids, because I think it's important for them to be involved in such things. And, frankly, they love it and have made good friends from it. He doesn't think that kids should be involved in so much and if they did nothing outside of school, that would be fine. He can sometimes get uncomfortable in situations where he's surrounded by a lot of people who come from privileged lives, and he can be awkward and stiff and say things that you shouldn't say (I think it's his nerves trying to fit in.) He never really wants "more"...thinks anytime I want a new car or to move, that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones'. But, I just want a bigger yard, or a new neighborhood, or I'm just tired of my car and want a new one. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

I feel like he is constantly trying to validate that his childhood and background are just fine and good enough and people who had it "better" aren't better than him. It's almost like guilt or something that his family will think he's changed or rubbing his life here in their faces (he's from working class New England) and that if he succumbs to all these things that I grew up with or doing, he's being disloyal or something to his upbringing.[/quote]

In our family, we have found ourselves using the term "goober pride" to indicate that attitude of "I grew up watching wrestling on TV and we never subscribed to a newspaper and we turned out just fine, so why do you guys all think you need to be fancy?"  We encounter a lot of that in his side of the family.
But then there's also a psychological component.  [b]Sometimes when my husband tells stories about his upbringing, he describes things that sound like neglect to me -- being dropped off at college with a garbage bag full of clothes and nothing else.  No lamp, no laundry basket, etc.  Using your summer earnings to pay your contribution to college, and having basically nothing left to live on for the rest of the semester.  Never going out on a weekend with the other students because you literally have no money for a cup of coffee, a subway sandwich, etc.  Never having your parents visit you at college.  Having clothing that clearly marks you as different from the other students and having no ability to fit in, etc.[/b]
Our conflict as a couple has been that my husband presents this scenario as normal -- rather than saying, "Gee, it really sucked to be so different and so poor in college and we have the ability to help our kids and that's what we're going to do."  Instead, he's like "I survived going to college with no spending money, so we should do the same for our kids.  It's good for them, toughens them up, etc."  He also seems to have this contrarian attitude where we can afford things but he will decide not to pay for them just so that they can have the experience of doing without (i.e.  I would like our son to join a fraternity, be able to join the other kids for spring break).  
We have fought over every Stanley Kaplan, Kumon, summer camp, private music lesson, private swimming lesson, expenditure and honestly, if I didn't work myself and also have some family money, I'm not sure if our marriage would have survived.  We basically have an uneasy truce where I pay for everything that he thinks is wasteful, stupid and expensive  -- from name brand clothing, to lessons, etc.
It's not all bad.  For example, thanks to him they've taken on substantive jobs in the summers after high school and college rather than attending expensive summer programs, and honestly they are probably more mature and have better leadership skills than I did at their age as a result.
CUrrently we are negotiating what, if anything, is a reasonable way to help a child who is graduating from college and getting launched in the real world.  Here again I worry that he will say that he lived in an unsafe apartment in a bad section of town and had those plastic lawn chairs in his studio apartment for furniture, so that's reasonable.  We will see . .. 
Seriously? This is not neglect...clearly you have not worked in or been exposed to children's social services...
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