Reply to Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I totally understand one-and-done (I'm an only child of an only child and love being an only), but as someone who is childfree by choice, having just one seems like almost the worst situation. Your time and money are still tied up in all that comes with having kids, but it seems like the chances of having grandkids, having someone to take care of you when you're older, enjoying the "adult children" lifestyle, having at least one kid who lives near you - goes way down.

No knock on one-and-done, because I think those are all very "selfish" reasons for wanting to have kids (what they will do for you later in life). But to me, and as other posters have mentioned, the adult children and benefits they bring really seems like the big payoff in parenting, and [b]with one child it seems like a lot riding on just one person.[/b] [/quote]

Whether people have one kid or three, I think it's a lot of pressure and expectation to put on your kids -- this notion that they're going to make your life whole, that they're going to take care of you, that they're going to fulfill you.

I've felt that immense pressure from my own mother my entire life, and maybe that's why I put off having kids so long.  (Eventually, I did give it ago, although with hesitation and still conflicted, and alas, I only had miscarriages.)  I've always felt a strong aversion to this idea that motherhood is supposed to complete you b/c I think it puts enormous pressure on your kids, especially when they're adults.  I don't want to be anyone's source of meaning and identity and fulfillment.  That's a huge obligation and also an impossible one to live up to.

[b]But I hear that message all over the place.  I think mothers think they're making their kids feel special when they tell them that they're the most important things or that they give their lives meaning or that they're the center of their universe.  But I cringe when I hear it because it hard enough for kids to grow up and understand and cultivate their own identity; to be also responsible for your mother's is a burden no one should have to carry.  I mean, it's one thing to make your kid feel loved and valued.  But the mommy martyrdom takes that another level and, I think, actually is harmful to kids.
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It's scary how much damage this behavior does to children way into their adult lives.[/quote]

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