Reply to Do you regret being childless by choice later in life?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] Based on the men and women I know, it seems that it may go in waves.  Whether it is a sign of love, really, power, or wealth, or most likely a mix, older man I know are very happy to have grandchildren.  And older men without children or grandchildren seem to be the odd man out much more so than during the high points of their careers.  For women, there seems to be a shift in the late 40s or early 50s where what the woman has done as a career, or whether she has had a career at all, is much less defining socially.  It is not that everything becomes about the grandkids, but careers, which are often a key component in someone decided not to have children, seem to lose a bit of their importance in terms of a woman's self identity.  Other things come to the four, whether children, helping ailing parents, medical issues, divorces, or just the ends and outs of seeing more of the world over time.  [b] For women who decided against having children specifically due to wanting to focus more on their careers, I have seen among my friends regret that kicks in at this stage. [/b] Though I do think we all look back and assess our decisions and wonder  how another path would have played out. [/quote]

While this may be true, I don't think the issue is being childless.  I have seen plenty of men who "focused on their careers" AND had kids and still ended up regretting focusing so much on their careers when they're old.  Why?  Because when you reach retirement, you realize that the job is gone.  If you didn't spend time cultivating other interests and hobbies and things of that nature, you have a void.  It's foolish to assume, though, that children/grandchildren are the only thing that can fill that void.

But we don't have threads and threads and loads of commentary warning men about focusing too much on their careers because they might regret it later in life.  But we do chastise women for that.

The problem isn't that those women (or men) didn't have kids.  The problem is the same problem even some parents make: putting all of your "meaning" eggs in one basket.  If you spend most of your adult life with one thing being your sole source of meaning and definition and focus, then you very much run the risk of being left feeling empty if that one thing goes away or doesn't end up as you thought.

I've seen it with women who define themselves by their kids.  But if their kids don't live near them later in life or don't turn out to be their buddies as adults or -- gasp -- end up not giving them grandchildren, those women have the same kind of regret and existential crisis that women (and men) who focus their entire adult life solely on their careers have.

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