Reply to Irrational resentment over reactions to parent's death: help me get over it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My father died recently. He was old and his death came at the end of a long awful illness, so I understand that this isn't the greatest tragedy. But it's still incredibly sad, in part because it was a really bad end, all mixed up with the holidays, and in part because my mother died a few years ago and so now this huge part of my life is just gone.

Here's the problem: I'm angry about the way a couple of close friends and even my inlaws reacted to this. One good friend who's known my father her entire life called when she heard his death was imminent and started advocating for assisted suicide laws because "we put our beloved pets down." Another texted but then never said another word about it. My inlaws literally did nothing: no card, no flowers, nothing. Not even a Facebook comment. When I spoke with them by phone they said well, we all die eventually.

I'm really offended that such close friends/family treated this as a non-event. Part of it is that even though I'm at an age where this kind of thing should be expected, I don't know anyone else who's lost both parents - nearly all my friends have parents who are big parts of their support networks and are active w/their grandchildren etc. I realize I sound like a self-centered obnoxious jerk myself, but I'd love any advice on how to just get over this.[/quote]

Hi OP.  I am the Hospice Minister who tries to post when I see threads like this.  I'm really sorry your dad died. It doesn't matter that he was old.  He is your dad and the loss is painful.  I'm sure you were exhausted after the long illness as well.  That is a trauma that people just cannot understand until they walk that path.  The loss of both your mother and your father can leave you feeling like a big part of you died as well.  It can rock you to your core and leave you feeling like your security has been chipped away.

Here's the thing -  Right or wrong, most people just don't handle the process of dying or death very well.  Sometimes they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  Sometimes it reminds them of a past loss and brings back painful memories.  Sometimes it's a scary reminder that they will one day die.  Can I gently suggest that you consider that maybe these friends and family members just can't do any better right now?

As far as advice to get over it.... You don't.  You never get over the loss of people you love.  You learn to live with it.  It gets easier and the pain dulls.  But reminders come and some days you find yourself right back in the middle of the grief.  If you are struggling to forgive those you feel haven't been supportive, I would suggest you keep reminding yourself that you don't know what they may be feeling. As I said earlier, death is really hard for most people.  I'm not excusing their behavior.  Just trying to help you understand it.

Hospice offers support groups to those who have lost loved ones.  Maybe consider reaching out to your local Hospice Center for information?  I'm sorry you are hurting.  Wishing you peace and comfort.  [/quote]

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