Reply to My overweight son wants to get fatter??

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I read once (and I'm sorry but I cannot remember where) that developmentally, groups of kids start differentiating at about 7-8.  So if you have a group of kids, and they all do art, and one is really good, s/he becomes "the artist" of the group and will start working at it more, while other kids will defer to that kid as the artist.  There is a drive for individuation within the peer group.

The theory behind this is that hunter-gatherer groups survived by specialization, so the kids try everything, but then at this age they start to specialize; you need the basketweaver, the herb person, the weapon-maker, etc.  If everyone in the group is the basketweaver, the chances of survival for the group is less--so, this behavior is baked in our genes.

Ok so what that means in modern terms is a few things.  First, a little counter-intuitive--if you want your kid to see himself as the artist, don't push for him to hang out with the better artists (that are his own age. Older people as mentors are fine).

For your situation, I suspect what's going on is some take off on this. He's found his identity as the "Fat Albert" of the group.  His peers probably identify him with this; he may be popular and seen as comedic and certainly harmless (no threat to alpha boys)--these two things protect him against bullying and confer positive feedback. (although I recognize the weight could create a bullying situation but it also can go the other way and create popularity).

The perception of individuation (or expertise) can protect from getting teased, because it gives them an area where they command respect from their peers.  My friend had a DD who was horrible at many sports but was a great swimmer.  The kids would say, "Oh, yeah, Larla is so bad at basketball.  Doesn't matter. She's a swimmer."

Ok so it's coming from the hardwired age-appropriate mentality of individuation of onesself in the peer group.

So the trick would be to derail this by substitution.  Meaning, finding something other than his girth to individuate himself in the group.  Humor (being the jokester), or music, or the math whiz, or the geek, or whatever.  Get him a mentor to teach him ____.  Anything that the group can see him as specializing in.  Think it through, make sure you don't pick a mentor to show him how to draw comic book art when there is a kid in his group who already does this well; that will backfire as it will create competition and friction between them.[/quote]

Completely get your point about individualisation (not individuation btw which is when you lose track of your individuality) and how he is identified at the fat kid of the group. I don't think he's getting bullied for it at all otherwise he wouldn't be trying to lose his belly not get fatter so hopefully this is not happening but I'm under the impression he has lots of friends. However the very main point about him establishing individuality that doesn't fit into my situation is the fact that one of his best friends is also quite chubby and how they joke about always eating everything in the share table is probably a joky way of telling the truth that they actually are eating way too much from it. It's possible they're trying to be more like each other by getting fatter so the individual thing kinda doesn't make sense in this situation, nevertheless it's a very elaborate point and makes a lot of sense. It's possibly his fat that he uses to make people laugh and become the 'joker' of the group. For instance in the original post I mentioned how he plays with his belly fat and lifts his top up and chases his sister for a laugh. He finds joy from his fat and it's encouraging him to want to get fatter, however it's at the stage where if he gets any bigger he's under threat from health issues, which is why I have sought professional help and am trying to get as many opinions as possible. All it takes is one look at him and you would know he's obese - it's that bad.[/quote]

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