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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And then there are your kids, who hear your spiteful arguments about who "has" to deal with them today.

Start a therapy coin jar now.[/quote]

Who is arguing about this in front of their kids?

Also, a lot of this is not about spending time with kids. It's about doing the work that goes into keeping the house running.[b] If a child overhears his mom telling his dad "I need you to step up and help with getting the kids ready for school this year, including registering and going to the teacher meet and greet and getting supplies and updating uniforms," that's a GOOD thing for a child to hear. They are learning that there is more to having kids than just chatting with them at dinner, and also that their mother expects their father to be an equal partner in that work.[/b]

Now, if the dad's response is "uuuuuugh, I hate that stuff. You're so much better at it. Can you do it?" Well, that's going to communicate something pretty depressing to the kids. But the problem there is not that mom asked her husband to do more. It's that he does not value his kids enough to do it.[/quote]

Actually, what they’re learning from the bolded is that this stuff really *is* Mom’s domain, which is why SHE is the one in charge and delegating tasks to her underling, their Dad. This dynamic is what eventually leads to all the complaints about language involving Dad “helping out” with raising his own kids.  [/quote]

Then what do you suggest a woman whose partner DOES NOT do this stuff without being asked/forced to, do?

The only way this changes is if men actually start doing more of this. But look at this thread. It's a bunch of men claiming they already do and the list is misogynist (despite study after study showing that women do far more childcare and housework than men and have less leisure time), women claiming their husbands already do all this (again, despite ample evidence that this is not the norm). and then both groups claiming that IF there are marriages where the woman is doing a lot more than the man, it's probably her fault anyway for either picking the wrong man or failing to properly delegate/invite him to help/ask in the right way/bing to controlling/etc. No matter what, it is never, ever the man's fault that his wife is doing 70-100% of the chilcare/housework related tasks. So what motive do men have to actually change their ways? People will bend over backwards to blame their wives anyway.

And now a woman who speaks up and says "you need to do this" is damaging her kids, either by making it sound like she doesn't love every minute of unpaid labor she does on behalf of her family, or reinforcing the idea that this is her job and her husband is just a "helper."

So, what is the solution?[/quote]

DROP.THE.ROPE.  That’s what I suggest.

Don’t pretend you’re his boss because you are absolutely not.  Let some things go even if they cause some mild suffering for you/your kids in the short term (for instance, if your kid misses a dental cleaning I swear to God they’ll be ok!).  Let DH see and experience the consequences of not doing anything rather than just telling him.  And while you’re at it, keep an open mind to those things which really *don’t* lead to negative consequences if you just let them go, and then continue to let them go (ideal result being he does more of what matters while you expect less of what doesn’t).

If your kids and family are truly suffering and your DH still just doesn’t care, then get a divorce.  But this mommy martyr act serves NO ONE.[/quote]

there’s only so much rope to be dropped. missing one dental cleaning is ok, but 2 years?[/quote]

“If your kids and family are truly suffering and your DH still just doesn’t care, then get a divorce.”

Already covered in the post you responded to.  [/quote]

right, Dad Privilege leads to divorce.  No disagreement there, except it’s because the woman is suffering too. [/quote]

Sure, I guess what I am saying is essentially put up or shut up.  If he’s such an awful dad and husband, then just divorce him already.  If he’s not that bad, then stop all of the useless, unproductive complaining.

And saying “dad privilege” is cringey and immature.[/quote]

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