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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.[/quote]

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.[/quote]

Nobody “trashed” op.  The MIL just told her son he looked tired.  He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always.  In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist.  I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP.  OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships.  There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you.  I loved my MIL  but I didn’t expect really anything from her.  I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does.  If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes.  This facilitated a happy relationship.  OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.
[/quote]

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over  meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.[/quote]

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship?  Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing.  That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you?  How do you know it is because she does not care?  Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you?  How do you know it is the former and not the latter?  Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic.  She may never ask about you or talk to you directly.  You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her.  Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love.  Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue.  I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring.  I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable.  Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?[/quote]

You’re right I can’t have my husband be the go between for me and my mil. I have to address her directly. I think the reason it hurts is because we always had a great relationship and I expected more support from her as that’s what my friend’s MILs gave them. And then when she suddenly perked up and seemed concern when the child I was carrying may be at risk I felt like an incubator like my health doesn’t matter until it affects her grandchild not bearing in mind the mental and physical toll it takes on me. As a fellow woman I would expect more in that department.

Since she asked about her son who wasn’t going through a difficult pregnancy and asked about he unborn grandchild it is clear she shows love through asking about them so when she didn’t ask about me the one who was suffering the most at the time it left me wondering why isn’t that love extended to me when mil is clearly capable of it.

I think I have to address it with her head on or else it will fester.[/quote]

Never ever compare your mother in law to another mother in law!  That is just setting yourself up to be unhappy and you can’t ever really know the relationship those two women have.

Also, you can have a lovely relationship with your MIL and enjoy the shared love you have of your child even knowing that outside your husband, she wouldn’t be the type of woman you would choose as a friend.  The expectations we have of a good friend especially in a rough pregnancy and labor are just…different than what you might get with a MIL.  And that’s ok.  You can love your mother in law and have a caring relationship and yet not be best friends.[/quote]

If anything I would think the expectation you would have when going through a tough time should be higher with a family member than a friend.[/quote]

Some people have that with their in laws and some don’t.  You can choose to cling to those expectations, or you can recognize that you can have a nice relationship with her that stems from your love of the same man, the same baby, that is different than the kind of relationship you would expect of a close girlfriend.  Your choice, but it is a choice.[/quote]

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