Reply to Just don't really care

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Just don't really care"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi, OP here.  Just following up that my wife initiated and had the most passionate sex we have had in probably the past 5 years last night.   I guess not caring/behaving like I have in the past got the message across that all my other attempts of communicating in the past haven't.  Just an FYI for others in my situation, not looking to restart the thread.[/quote]

Serious question OP because I'm curious: are you now back to "caring" about her?

I'm really curious because my husband does this too. All lovey dovey for the day or two after we've had sex then pulls away. It's irritating.[/quote]

OP here, no not really.  It isn't really about the sex, that is why the sex we were occasionally having was so bad.  Its about her wanting to be my wife and lover, not just getting me off to shut me up about it.  If there is some ongoing change in her attitude towards our sex life in general maybe, but at this point I think its been too long and too much water under the bridge.  Not trying to be a jerk but one event can't undo all that has happened.

If in your relationship you feel like you are being a good romantic partner-not just a roommate that occasionally sleeps with him to placate him- and he pulls away that is on him.  But if he can tell that you feel like, "phew" now that's over with and it will go back to the way it was before then it probably won't make a difference.  If that is the case, as it is in my relationship, one time won't change the dynamic of him pulling away.  If that isn't the case, then he is just kind of being a jerk.

The thing that would make me engage with my wife again-"care"-is to feel like she genuinely wants to be my romantic partner.  One time doesn't cancel out all the days she hasn't.  And if she doesn't want to be my romantic partner, that's fine, I just can't really "care" anymore.    
  [/quote]

PP you were responding to here.

Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it.

However, as in your situation, it wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, there was a genuine spark. I did feel passionately in love with him. There was a several years long honeymoon phase where I couldn’t keep my hands off him and he was all I thought about. But that was TWENTY years ago. Do you ever wonder if it is unrealistic to think you can retain that kind of euphoria and bliss for two decades? For me, and I think for a lot of women, novelty and romantic tension (“does he like me?” “Will he call?”) have a strong role to play in sexual interest and desire. After two decades, there isn’t going to be much novelty left. That’s partly why vacation sex is so good and plentiful.

I mean this seriously, not trying to be snarky. A lot of couples go through this. I mean, they call it a “honeymoon phase” for a reason and people like Esther Pearlman have made careers out of writing about it. I remember reading about this when I was a lot younger and not getting it but now I do. Maybe a rock solid friendship, mutual respect and trust, commitment, security, and yes “duty sex” or “maintence sex” 1-2 a week with the very occasional true connecting romantic sexual experience is the most you can hope for?[/quote][/quote]

Hi, OP here

"Do you ever wonder if perhaps your expectations of marriage are too high? I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but you kind of remind me of my husband with this sex=affection stuff. We’ve been married for close to 15 years and we have 3 kids. He’s my best friend, I would say we have a great marriage, but we only have sex once or twice a week (unless we’re on vacation) and, to be honest, for me it is usually “duty sex”. I’m not in the mood but he is so I throw him a bone. Once we start, I get into it but starting is a chore for me, psychologically. I love him and I want our marriage to work so I do it."

-Right, you just kind of made my point.  Did I think I would have pornstar sex with my wife multiple times a day when we got married and had kids.  Absolutely not.
Did I expect that our sex life would be semi-contentious, passionless sex once every few weeks/months, no. Did I think that my wife would be considerate of our relationship and we would work to keep it a healthy marriage, not just two people living together?  Absolutely.

You have stated what a normal marriage looks like.  Look at your partner's needs, figure out the best way to meet each other's needs.  Do you want less sex than your husband, yes, but you consider him in the context of your marriage and work to find ways to keep it going.  I am sure there are things that he does for you to be considerate of you in the marriage.  The whole point of my post is that I don't feel like I can do those things for her anymore.

What you posted is what I expected when I got married.  Early 40's, we have been married for 8 years, together 11.  Sex issue started about 18 Months after marriage, before kids.

[/quote]

And she just had "passionate" sex with you the other day and you're still in here complaining! I feel for your wife, man. I don't know what to tell you. I think you are being very unrealistic in your expectations regarding sex, marriage, love, the whole thing.

It's not going to feel like it did when you were dating or before you had kids. Kids + career + house = a lot of demands on your time and energy. At the end of the day, can you really blame her if she just wants to read her book for 20 minutes and chill before going to bed? I get it. It's probably not even really about you. If she's like most women, she has no energy left in her tank at the end of the day to meet one more person's demands on her time.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics