Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

From the article:

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.[/quote]

Gottman seems to have observed natural chemistry in action (bids being met with genuine interest, striking the right chord) and then is raising the possibility of applying the same behaviors to other situations in a sort of fake chemistry. I wouldn't do this while dating and trying to choose a mate. Don't feign interest if someone brings up a topic you aren't interested in, if what they say seems "off" to you, if you have a feeling of wrongness about it. Don't compromise on genuine interest. However, if you are trapped in a situation like needing to stay together for the sake of small children, the techniques of pretending to be receptive to bids could be useful. [/quote]

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