Reply to How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

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Reply to "How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Girlfriend shouldn’t be your babysitter, not appropriate. [/quote]

+1 your really need to find an afterschool or daycare with extended hours.  Also shuffling your daughter off to your mom a few times a month is not necessarily something she would have to agree too.  You are basically saying for the majority of your awake custody hours your daughter is with your mom or girlfriend.  And that’s because you don’t want to pay your ex wife more.  You obviously have a tight work schedule.  Negotiate with your ex to give her more custody with the caveat that she get a job, even part time.  Play the long game and if you get her working you can adjust child support especially once kid is in school.  Back off the solo grandma visits for now just have her come when you can all spend time together.  It diesnt look good and I’m surprised your lawyer hasn’t mentioned that.  Find a way to work this out.  Neither of you will like the judges take on it.

[/quote]

This is nuts. Extended daycare would be okay, but letting the kid come home with girlfriend or grandma in the afternoon is not? Please explain your reasoning here.

He doesn’t have to “back off” solo grandma visits. He has every right to let the child have visits with grandma during his time and mom doesn’t have to agree. I can’t imagine a judge interfering with that.[/quote]

ex will say his job hours make him unavailable for childcare for 50/50 custody.  And ex is right.  He has an unpredictable schedule and sometimes works nights and weekends apparently.  He’s relying on his girlfriend (who could be transitory or not) and his mom to be the primary caregivers during his custody time.  Ex can make the case she is better suited to be stable home pretty easily.

But really they should both keep it out of court, because it’s a gamble and expensive and rarely in the best interest of kid.  Op should use his bargaining chip (she wants more time) to get her to get a job and if so he will agree to 60/40.  He’s fighting for something he can’t even handle and it’s going to be very transparent that it’s more about the money than his kids best interest.  [/quote]

OP here. My job hours do not make me unavailable for 50/50 unless you’re making the argument that any parent that works full time shouldn’t have 50/50 custody.

I work 35-38 hours a week on a regular set schedule, but can’t make it to preschool pickup by 5:30. I work on Saturday and Sunday but have two days off during the week where our child does not go to preschool. I am the primary caregiver during my custody time.

My goal is to maintain the parenting time that I’ve always had, not to minimize child support. I would like my ex to also work to support our child and not to be the only working parent but I can’t exactly control that.[/quote]

I am confused about your schedule.  Where is your child on Saturday and Sunday?

Also, why is it ok for you to keep your child out of school on the days you don’t work, but not for her mother to do the same? [/quote]

On Saturday usually with my mom, sometimes after a sleepover on Friday, and I pick up on Saturday evening.

Sunday I only work a half day, so child is usually with my girlfriend out doing something fun and I get home in the afternoon.

It's okay for her to keep the child out of school the days I don't work. We only pay for three days a week.

I do think it's odd that she's been unemployed for over a year and is taking me to court essentially over my girlfriend taking care of our child roughly 12-15 hours a week, but she never seemed to consider pulling her out of preschool while she's not working so that she could take care of her for that 24 hours a week. That makes me think it's not so much about the extra time but just interfering with my household and my time.[/quote]

On your custody week with the child on the weekend, you have her sleep over with your Mom on Fri night and all day Saturday and then you pickup Sat evening. Your girlfriend spends Sunday morning and early afternoon with your daughter while you work and you only see your kid Sunday afternoon?

No wonder your Ex wants custody.

My ex also had the kids over at his house and frequently left them in the care of others. When they got older he would just leave them alone while he went out. TBH, it really made them sad & they noticed from a very young age that their Dad neglected them. That's what you're doing - it's a form of neglect to have custody but then to spend so much time away from them. 8am-6pm during the work week is one thing, but otherwise you should be present, caring for your kid. Not your Mom. Not your GF.  You. If you can't do that, then please let your ex have that time. Millions of Moms manage to have careers while dropping off and picking up kids from 8-6, and if that means you have to make career changes to do so, then that's what you have to do.

Mom will win if it comes out how little time you actually spend with your kid. You can try to spin it all you want as jealousy on her part, but that won't fly. [/quote]

To add, I spend every waking minute with my child in the morning before I drop off at preschool (6:30 am to 9:30 am) and every evening before bedtime (7:00 to 9:00 pm), all day during my 2 days off during the week, in the morning on Sunday, and all afternoon Sunday. I would be willing to bed I spend more time with my child during my week than your average full-time working dad. [/quote]

That's great. It sounds like the issue is your "weekend" is in the middle of the week (your 2 days off) and on the traditional weekend you are largely not around to the point that your Mom and girlfriend are caring for your kid for all Fri night, Sat and Sun AM and you are only seeing your kid Sun PM, while bio Mom, who I'm assuming has a typical schedule, could spend the whole weekend time with her daughter. That's wrong. Many couples have right of first refusal written into their custody agreement, and if your ex-wife had this, there would be no question that she would have custody of the kids on those weekends.

It sounds to me like you want to keep perfectly equal custody even though you aren't able to be there full-time on weekends when the other parent could be, and that often stems from a money issue - that you would have to pay child support if it wasn't 50/50.

It makes me sad for your kid.[/quote]

Bingo. I posted above. Most custody cases are really child support cases, and most custody cases that go to trial are fueled by one or more of the parents having a personality disorder. - signed lawyer [/quote]

Did you read the whole thread? Granted it’s the dad posting, but if even 50% of what he posted is true, it’s the mom with personality issues here. No evidence dad is in it to prevent child support orders. [/quote]

I said I hadn’t read the whole thread. And I specifically said one or more of the parents likely had a PD. I didn’t say who. But I’ll mention most judges don’t love girlfriends/boyfriends stepping in in place of parents. And I’ll also add that many people project their issues onto others so we have to take OPs perspective with a huge grain of salt. Unless the mother is objectively abusive or neglectful, there is no reason she shouldn’t have close to primary custody, with ample visitation to OP. Not agreeing to that suggests there are some personality/control issues, and judges aren’t fools.

I’ve seen many many custody cases and know what I’m talking about. If OP is truly reasonable, he needs to settle this in mediation. [/quote]
OP here.

I tried to settle in mediation. I wanted to keep the 50/50 parenting schedule we have always had and order joint custody so we both can continue to make decisions as we always have.

She refused because I wouldn’t agree to right of first refusal for any length of time that I won’t be with our child, which I don’t want because at best it is disruptive and logistically challenging but also because my ex will abuse it. She has stated specifically that her goal is to ensure our child spends no time with either my (now) fiancée or my mother when I’m not around.

She stated that her intentions are to pursue sole legal custody and limit my parenting time/visitation to the standard every other weekend.

In the meantime, my ex still has no job or real income (got the recent uniform support declaration, she reported $0 in income and $4500 in monthly expenses) and since she couldn’t afford rent at their house once her 52 weeks of unemployment were exhausted, has moved into one room in a house share with our child who no longer has a bed or space of their own. Sure, she is not abusive or neglectful, but I don’t understand why you’re saying there’s no reason she shouldn’t have primary custody over me when I am stably employed, maintain the child’s health insurance, provide stable housing where our child has their own room, etc. Just because my days off are during the week and not the weekend, and because I have a partner who lives with us?[/quote]

A ROFR is a normal request. [/quote]

YOU sound horrible.  She's reasonable to want to be with her child over you using child care or your AP/girlfriend.  There is no reason why you cannot work with her especially when it sounds like you cheated on her.    Why aren't you paying child support and alimony? [/quote]

Huh? I’m not op. I’m the one saying a ROFR is normal. And i said above and I’ll say it again, most custody litigations are about $$ [/quote]

ROFR is normal but it’s not typical for a judge to order it if it’s not something both parties agree they will both be subject to and agree to have it in the order. Maybe the court would put it in if one party has an egregious history of leaving the child with different caretakers for a long period of time.

It’s definitely not normal to apply in cases like this where one parent is letting child have sleepovers with grandparents or needs a couple hours of childcare due to a work schedule. That would allow  the parties to have wayyyyy too much control over the other party’s life and could be abused. There’s absolutely no way the court will order what the mom seems to want in this situation. No judge is going to write an order that says Dad has to check in with mom to offer her the time before he can send the child for a visit with Grandma! Just not going to happen. [/quote]

Dad barely spends time with the kid.[/quote]

How do you figure? He spends the same amount of time any working parent does. [/quote]

Then let mom have the kid when working.  [/quote]

Why? Frequent back and forth is not good for the child. [/quote]

Because it's HER KID, not the girlfriend's. [/quote]

she doesn’t get veto power over the child spending time with the father’s girlfriend or the child’s own grandmother. [/quote]

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