Reply to Can someone explain to me why so many on here would never remarry?

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Reply to "Can someone explain to me why so many on here would never remarry?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can't see any benefits to remarriage for me at this life stage. Older people who seem most keen on remarriage are typically religious, looking for financial gain, or wealthy men who have fallen for a younger woman and want to have a family together. None of those things apply. My life is full, and while dating and companionship are appealing, marriage is not. I can't conceive of changing my mind on this point. [/quote]

Don't project your mean spirited thinking at others. I'm a wealthy woman, but I do want to remarry in my 40s or 50s. Reasons are not to seek financial gain, but to build a life, plan retirement, medical care, travel together with a partner. Support each other in bad and good. I still believe that is possible. Of course you can do some of that with a boyfriend, but not being married makes long term planning harder. And I also have a good lawyer who can draft a prenup, and wouldn't marry until after at least 3 years of co-habilitation. I believe marriage is a great tool to raise kids but can also serve as a good middle age planning for the mutual well-being, if the partner is right.[/quote]

I'm the PP. I admit life has made me cynical about second marriages, but not mean-spirited. Your post suggests a fourth category - a hopeless romantic. Reading and life suggests if either person has children, second marriages are not good for mutual well-being, as they bring conflicting loyalties and priorities.  [/quote]

I'm not a hopeless romantic. Marriage is a totally practical institute, and I had a long and rather successful first marriage. Yes, we both made mistakes but  I selected my first husband wisely: we were both driven, professional and hard working. We both made tons of money during marriage, joined resources in child raising and building up wealth. Neither of us lost wealth after divorce: each had it multiplied many times over what our individual NW was prior to marriage. I dont have "multiple kids" still at home. I'm an empty nester with one child. I don't date men with more than one child either, and their child should be over 13 years of age. Don't date those who wouldn't want to co-habilite or remarry in a long term perspective.
You don't don't want a relationship, period. Others want it.[/quote]

Not wanting to remarry is not the same as not wanting relationships. [/quote]

Relationship[b]S [/b] in plural is the general common denominator for the PP commenters above, men and women. They are totally discouraged in committing and either just want switch partners every 2-3 years. This has nothing to do with building a life with someone, or joint future. They just want zero entanglements and an easy exit. Maybe for some it's tempting but for me to be happy I need to be the center of his universe and other way around. 
And I have zero desire to date in my mid 50s looking for a new BF every 3 years. Seems too complicated and takes the lifetime from other important goals and people in my life, all that OLD dating.

[b]I don't date men with multiple children (even college age), as I could see from these photos that kids are the center of their universe and I will always be secondary.[/b] I'm mid 40s, but I meet a lot of single never married slightly younger men, or men with one child who still want to commit. Of course if a guy has that many kids the women's role in his life would be limited to FWB (e.g. meeting on demand whenever he's available for a nice date followed by sex, maybe travel sometimes).

I want to have make a home with someone who I love in my space at some point  (and no, he wouldn't need to buy it for me, I'm totally fine to equally contribute). I probably wouldn't marry outright, but would own a home with long term partner as a first step, and to see if we are able to coexist and enjoy it.
[/quote]

Man, the bolded makes be deeply pity those poor singleton kids of the men you date. What a nightmare![/quote]

Why? My parents are still married, and my adult siblings and I are not the center of their universe.  My parents are in the more selfish phase of their retirement, as they are still healthy enough to enjoy sports and heavy traveling.  We see them for holidays, plus maybe an additional week a year, and they check in on grandkids regularly, but we're not the center of their universe.  I'm happy they're happy and living their lives while they can. [/quote]

Finally a person with healthy attitude. These crazy dads whose only vacation is with his daughters who are themselves in their late 20s is just sick. This tells me he wasn't able to rebuild his life, is bitter after divorce and his daughters are not able to build healthy relationships either. My 17yo is more independent than that and would hate me even doing college visits with them, leaving alone going for a multi-weeks vacation overseas. They have their own life.[/quote]

I think it’s weird that you think your child not wanting you to visit them and not wanting to vacation with you means you are the successful parent in this scenario [/quote]

Maybe, but PP has a point.  Divorced dads who are enmeshed with their adult children, especially daughters, are the worst. Once you've struggled through a relationship with such a man, you are on high alert.  Enmeshed dad is not your run-of-the-mill nice guy dad who remains close to adult children. He's the dad who posts incessantly about adult children on social media and treats them as peers rather than children, including sharing aspects of your relationship with them.  In one case he wore their logo-ed college attire on every date, and the conversation was 95% about his kids.  It's just not who I want to spend my time with, and I understand where PP is coming from. We all need different things out of relationships and later in life, there are more complications to sort out.  Unlike PP who only dates men with one or no children, I’m just not getting married ever again, though I’d be open to less committed relationships.  [/quote]

I’m pretty independent so an “enmeshed dad” sounds great. Plus, you know, it’s actually a good personal quality to be close to your family. I probably would need to get along well with his kids though. [/quote]

No, the new partner shouldn't be tasked with getting along with anyone's grown up adult kids. This is the parents' responsibility to ensure kids are not aggressive towards the new partners and give space[/quote]

Um what? You sound frankly awful and I think you should limit yourself to dating childless men. [/quote]

Why? I'm not there to parent adults who already have parents. My child gets resources they need from both parents and I won't expect my partners to get involved or even be introduced, unless it gets to remarriage. Of course I'll be friendly and make a nice holiday dinner for them if they visit, but I will absolutely no allow anyone to drag me into someone's family drama[/quote]

Because you sound actively hostile towards the family members of the people you date, as a basic principle? Just an impression! Sounds like you’re either going to find a very distant father to date (cold fish) or pull the princess act to alienate him from his kids. [/quote]

That's your interpretation (probably, own fears that father of your kids might split his attention with his new partner). I just know that it's better to maintain neutrality as a step, that's all. And I'll never date anyone who gives me a vibe that his kids will be always a priority over me[/quote]
Do you really expect to be a priority over someone’s children? I’m in the process of divorcing and I have two children. There’s no way anyone I meet at any point will ever take priority over them and I wouldn’t expect to be prioritized over anyone else’s children. I wouldn’t trust a man who could prioritize me over his own children.

It’s one thing to say that he should make time for us. It’s another say that he should put his kids—who have only one dad—second to me. My goal is to get to know the children, to learn to love them as if they’re mine, and to win them over with consistent kindness and sincerity. Anyone who isn’t interested in doing the same with my children isn’t going to last. [/quote]

You probably have young kids. Of course I would be kind to my partner’s kids but as they are likely to be adults and my child is an adult, it’s not my task to “win” them over. I wouldn’t expect him to prioritize me over children. That’s a wrong premise: my partner shouldn’t be thinking in these terms at all. He needs to be thinking that partnering for the rest of his life is equally important to him as maintaining his connection with adult kids. And if we date seriously his weekends need to be mostly free to spend time with me; he shouldn’t be interrupted by constant errands from his exW or adult kids; shouldn’t spend most of his UL on vacationing with adult kids. I would consider it abnormal attachment. My child is important to me, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my personal life in middle age to servicing a full bodied employed adult. Thankfully my child is independent and understands I will benefit from not being single for the rest of my life

If I had younger kids I wouldn’t even try dating as it would take the most important time with my kids while still at home with me. [/quote]

You sound incredibly cold and an immature. A pretty repulsive combination. [/quote]

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