Reply to DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

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Reply to "DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age). [/quote]

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?[/quote]

If you did that to me and I was part owner of said house, I’d have you in handcuffs.
This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

[/quote]
You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.[/quote]

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary. [/quote]

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore. [/quote]

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?[/quote]

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s.  There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do.  I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.
[/quote]
none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?[/quote]

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet? [/quote]
You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.[/quote]

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?  
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?  
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it?  I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee.  If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk.  But most men are.  They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!  
[/quote]

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead. [/quote]
Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). [/quote]

I think there are plenty of comments around here that are way too dismissive of the importance of sex in a marriage; but, even so, this is not how marriages work. I get that you think that this is only fair. But, it's still not how marriages work. A woman is entitled to say "no" for a night, a week, a month, or the rest of her life. She doesn't have to announce a grand plan for long term sexlessness -- maybe she doesn't even know that's what is going to happen. (Although, if she just decides not to talk about it, she has to know that the the quality of the marriage will degrade and really shouldn't express surprise if it ends.) That said, fair or unfair, if a spouse is going to go outside the marriage without talking about it, he or she is a cheater. This is a betrayal. The honorable thing to do is 1) express your dissatisfaction and try to reach a compromise; 2) if #1 doesn't work and you want to try to open up your marriage, have a conversation with your spouse about it; and 3) if your spouse is unwilling to sanction an open marriage and you are unwilling to continue living without sex, get a divorce.

I know all of that is a rehash of stuff that's been said a million times before, but I guess I felt compelled to make it a million and one. [/quote]

Where did I ever suggest not talking about it?[b] “I have decided to open our marriage. Don’t wait up for me Friday night.” [/b]This is totally sufficient. Not betrayal and not cheating. The sexless spouse is now free to divorce (but why would they since sex is so unimportant).[/quote]

And I would say "don't bother coming home"  Locks will be changed and you will leave.[/quote][/quote]

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