Reply to DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship. [/quote]

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.[/quote]
ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.[/quote]

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.[/quote]

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers. [/quote]
Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.[/quote]

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time. [/quote]

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?[/quote]

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.[/quote]

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.[/quote]

He does if his wife hasn’t agreed.

And then when the daughter asks why they divorced, she will tell her daughter it was because of infidelity.  Divorce for cause doesn’t give a darn about “she didn’t have enough sex for me”.

So if the OP is truly concerned his daughter not see him as a cheater, he has no choice but to not cheat.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work. [/quote]

There is nothing for her to agree to. She is sexless so she does not get to vote on him opening the marriage. She is free to leave and divorce but she won’t (because she says sex isn’t important and people don’t divorce over unimportant things).

Again his daughter is not involved with their sex life so why do you keep bringing up this non-issue?[/quote]

Because the thing he says keeps him from cheating is that he doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a cheater. There is no way to square the circle of “being a cheater” and “not wanting my daughter to see me as a cheater”.

His wife gets a vote if she wants to stay with a cheater. In VA you only get for-cause divorce for infidelity if you don’t consent. [/quote]

An open marriage is a lifestyle choice. Not cheating! Much like sexlessness is a lifestyle choice. Ideally these kinds of choices aren’t made unilaterally but his sexless wife has brought this into their marriage. Yes she could leave their open marriage but she won’t because sex is unimportant (per her).[/quote]

A consensual open marriage is a lifestyle choice.

Sleeping with someone outside your marriage without your spouses knowledge, is cheating.

The latter may cost you in divorce court— for example you can lose alimony, be held at fault—  the former will not. [/quote]

She consents to their open marriage by not divorcing him. And she won’t divorce over some trivial unimportant thing like sex (this is what she believes).

She WILL know that he’s sleeping with other women because he’s told her the marriage is open. Was this point unclear?

They won’t divorce because there is no reason to, she’s perfectly content in their sexless marriage. [/quote]

Oh, I missed the part where he tells her. And she says “I don’t agree”.

What happens then is that she collects the high degree of proof required for at-fault divorce in VA. He is divorced for infidelity and the thing he says he wants to avoid— his daughter seeing him as a cheater— comes to pass.

I’m sorry this just doesn’t work out the way you think it does.
[/quote]

There’s another possibility, which is that the wife would be interested in finding her own AP, and wouldn’t mind the open marriage opportunity. Then she’ll have as many guys as she wants and he’ll be putting in tons of work and money and being frustrated by how hard it is for an average middle aged guy to find his own AP. The asymmetry would motivate him to keep things secret from her. [/quote]

Yeah I’m pretty sure there was an AITA for this where the guy wanted to close things up when he realized how little interest anyone else has in sex with him.

An ethical open marriage has financial provision for existing children, STD testing, and long-term or permanent birth control for both parties. It’s not just one party opening the marriage because the other party doesn’t want to sleep with them.[/quote]

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