Reply to Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband grew up in a rural environment and really loves nature, mountains, lakes and outdoor activities.  I enjoy all of those things too, and together, we've planned all of our vacations around nature, good views, and outdoor activities.  For me, this is a great balance--living in a city, but spending all vacations and leisure time in nature.  As we near middle age, my husband now realizes that he wants his every day life, not just his vacations, in a more natural, less urban environment (think rural Vermont or Maine).  His job is totally remote, so moving would have no impact on his career.  My job is in person in DC.  We have one kid in early elementary school.

For me, the main obstacles to moving are:

--I have a senior position at a job that I love in DC. It's not a job that exists in a remote environment. To make this move, I would have to give up my current career and try to find something totally new to do, likely taking a pay cut and giving up the flexibility, autonomy and seniority that I enjoy in my current job. I care deeply about my job and my seniority affords me lots of flexibility (e.g. I work remotely for a month each summer, so we spend that whole month in nature, plus I have plenty of vacation time).

--Our marriage has been a little rocky lately (in part because of this issue) and I worry that I'll move to his preferred location and then we'll divorce and I'll be stuck in a location that is not ideal for me (sort of how he feels now!).

--We have a 2.75% interest rate on our current mortgage.  It feels like a bad time to sell our home.

We have a kid in early elementary school, so I feel like, if we are going to make a change, we should do it sooner,  rather than later.  Moving to a nearby suburb/exburb so that I can keep my job and he can have some nature feels like a unsatisfactory compromise to him; if we're going to live near DC, we both feel like living *in* DC, keeping our low interest rate, and living the urban life makes sense for now.  But he really wants to pick up and start a new life somewhere totally different. I'm struggling because I don't want to crush his dream or end up with him resenting me and on the other hand I really, really don't want to give up my job (or end up resenting him). The decision is on my plate--he's clear that he wants to move, but he understands that I don't want to give up my job and that he may end up spending the next 10-15 years in an environment that he no longer enjoys.  He's significantly sad about that.

What do you do when your life goals (or goals for this phase of life) are suddenly totally different? How would you handle this?  I really don't want to be responsible for trapping a person I love in an environment he hates....but I also really don't want to quit my job! I know therapy is going to be the answer many give, but I'm also just interested in how other couples deal with these types of "there-is-no-good-compromise" life decisions?

[/quote]

I just re-read the original post.  In all of the arguing over hypothetical scenarios I think the thoughtfulness and love in OP’s post has been lost.  From her post it sounds like both she and her DH are reasonable people who care about each other.

Honestly OP I think the best compromise is that he agrees to stay in DC until your kid finishes school, or a timeline based on getting retirement benefits if that’s a concern, but you agree to then retire to the place of his choosing.  It’s not ideal but there really isn’t an ideal solution in a situation like this.  [/quote]

+1, people have really jumped the shark in this thread and are arguing over completely made up scenarios where the OP is running a lab at NIH and her DH is some kind of neanderthal who is demanding she leave her job curing cancer to go teach middle school science in Podunk, USA so that he can go fishing after work. It's silly.

I am in the same situation as OP's DH (I'm a woman). I am full time remote, I haven't felt good in the DC area in about 8 years, and it ramped up a lot after having kids and just realizing this is not what I envisioned for our family at this stage. DH is very tied to his job in this area and it's not portable, but does have some flexibility.

Our compromise is that we are staying in DC and I'm making it work until DH's pension vests, and then we are leaving and so kids can do MS and HS somewhere else, we can live somewhere a little less urban and with less of a Type A culture. We've already put together our top 5 list of destinations, and the top one is actually DH's favorite of the group, not mine, because it's close to his family (but still checks a lot of my boxes).

Rational couples have these debates and come up with solutions. The people in this thread who are digging in their heels and making it all sound black and white are going to have trouble when they inevitable hit a point in their marriage where no one is right and no one is wrong, but feelings are strong and compromise must be struck.[/quote]

18 pages to get to a rational response. [/quote]

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