Reply to Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

- He had her take out "loans" from him informally for college and a graduate degree. He was ticked off at me once I informed him the payments on these "loans" would come to an end once our marriage took place.

- He and my MIL invite us on very expensive vacations and then expect us to cover our own cost which can be in the tens of thousands of dollars for some of the trips he likes.

- Similar situation with restaurants. He will propose an expensive restaurant, order expensive items, and then want to split the check 50/50.  
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I cut down OP's post above to the examples.

OP, your FIL has a pay-as-you-go approach to life.  He wants his kids to be responsible for their own choices but he is still generous enough to advance funds for your wife to do the schooling she wants to do.

You don't say if he has a sexist view of the world where a man/husband is responsible for his wife's money/debt/support but not the other way around.  That may complicate things.

I agree that you do not have to pay your FIL for your wife's debts to him.  Presumably she plans to work after getting the degree.  And perhaps you are carrying the household expenses while she studies.  Although maritally you may be jointly responsible for her debts legally, I think ethically she both undertook the obligation and should be prepared to pay it back.  Have her settle the repayment plan on her parental loans with her parents and have the payments begin when she starts to earn money.  Her dad wants to teach her responsibility.  Marrying you so you could pay them off was not likely her plan. Have her figure it out.

Next the vacation.  You and your wife should pay your own way if you go.  If you do not want to go and do not want to pay, skip the vacation.  Norms differ.  Only some parents treat.  Tell your FIL that your family of origin treats and you are not placing a priority on expensive vacations with your own money because you have x, y, z other goals.  Let them get mad.

Restaurants.  Split the check.  It's another case of different norms. Neither party is more correct.  Surely you can afford to socialize with them some of the time.

Your in-laws should be glad to have a son-in-law with zero debt.  You should agree to do some things with them even if they aren't "worth it".  Those are the concessions you make to be part of an in-law family.  You cannot have everything your preferred way.

Sounds like your wife needs to step up her earning to stay in good grades with her family of origin.  Encourage her to have a plan.  If she decides to be an overexcited SAHM and wants to pay her dad back, you'd best get that hashed out ASAP.[/quote]

OP here. The not paying the "loan" is a settled topic.  There was no formal loan document.  The "loan" was an absurd issue in my opinion. Due to her family's financial position she was a full pay student. She attended a private OOS school to the tune of over $200,000.  The degree which she is currently pursuing (which I am paying for) is not a highly paid field and my wife will likely be doing a fair amount of charity work.  I'm sorry, but the notion that her parents think its reasonable to try and saddle an 18 y/o with such a loan for a low paying degree at a private school is ridiculous and consequently they are the ones who paid after I came on the scene.  This non-repayment though is such a miniscule percentage of their net worth that it did not make a difference in their circumstances.   [/quote]

PP.  The idea of this "loan" is likely her father's comment on the usefulness of spending $200K on this degree.

There is obviously an attempt here to "teach" something to the daughter.  You and  your norms from your family of origin are external to it. Whether the lesson seems ridiculous to you is kind of beside the point.

It's not unusual for parents to try and get kids to pay for their college. Even rich ones.  From my observation, it does take several generations of wealth to create the kind of family generosity engine that you have benefitted from.

An 18 year old is an adult.  [b]It may be the case that your wife could have picked a less expensive college and that a $200K education was an expensive choice she made as an adult.  Her father may view that education as a pure luxury that she chose, knowing her career could never pay it back.  As a self-made blue collar person, perhaps he did not agree with her path, despite providing the up-front money to fund it.[/b]

The more interesting thing here is that you appear to have signed up for an asymmetric financial relationship with your wife.  Therefore, you will always be transferring your money (which you consider subsidized by your family's gifts) to cover your wife's expenses.  You clearly do not see her as a 50% partner in your money since you do not want to fund the things that she would probably spend money on related to her parents if you did not object.  It sounds like she has transferred her loyalty from one controlling man to another.  That's why my sister and have chosen to remain high-earning working mothers.  We don't want this kind of money-based financial dependency and guilt in our lives.[/quote]
100%   The fact that they still funded it with 0% interest means that they were willing to support her but wanted her to understand what her choices meant. That's on her.

Just because you have money doesn't mean you should spend it on something that has low ROI. That's not a good use of money, and the FIL knows that.

As a blue collar worker who built up his own wealth, he's given her the means to do the same, but she's chosen a different path.

You, OP, don't know what it's like to not be wealthy and build up your wealth on your own.  You come across as an elitist snob.[/quote]

Ok but he was setting up his own daughter to fail- $200k loan knowing shw was going into a non-lucrative career just to make a point?  I'm sorry but that's crummy parenting, there were way better ways to handle this.   No wonder she felt like she had to marry the douchebag OP.[/quote]

Whether or not you think it was a nice thing for a parent to do is not relevent to whether the OP was wrong in renegging on a his wife's debt.[/quote]

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