Reply to Parents getting upset about any group invitation

Forum Index » Elementary School-Aged Kids

Reply to "Parents getting upset about any group invitation "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would actually assume this issue is more complex than OP is letting on. Just based on my observations of similar situations at our own school. It doesn't mean it's nefarious or that OP is at fault, I would just guess that there are other factors at play that make the other mom's behavior make a little more sense.

OP saying that she and these other moms have been friends since their kids were babies and that they have their own friendship independent of the kids and the school is probably a major source of the issue. I get why this happens but it pretty much always causes problems. If it's just one or two families who know each other it's not a big thing, but when you get a to a group of moms that's like 5-10, or more, who have this pre-existing friendship, it becomes awkward. Those women will always talk to each other, and will also feel little value in making an effort with other families in the grade because they already have their friends. Their kids will often all be friends and will play together, which creates a similar dynamic among the kids. So then the kids of the other parents start coming home and talking about how there is this group of kids who all play together and dont' include others. Ideally the other kids will just start creating their own groups but the problem is that this requires the other kids not to become fixated on this existing group, whose familiarity with each other will bestow a kind of popular aura on them, and then the other kids will want to break into that group instead of creating their own. This is just a weird phenomenon of group dynamics that happens often whether you want it to or not.

So the existing friend group feels exclusionary even though it really shouldn't be a big deal that some people are already friends. It tilts the balance of power and creates all these little negative interactions for the people outside the group (both kids and adults). A kid will get upset they weren't invited to a birthday party because the group is talking about the party at school and everyone else feels left out. A mom will get the brush off at a PTA meeting when she tries to strike up a conversation with a member of the group, because that person just wants to chat with her existing friends. And these little moments build up and it becomes a thing. It's not exactly anyone's fault, it just happens. And the people in the friend group will roll their eyes and say "whatever, make your own friends, not everyone has to be invited." And this is 100% correct but it also ignores the fact that they are immune to the negative dynamics created by the existence of this groups, by virtue of being on the inside instead of the outside. A little empathy can go a long way there, but people don't always have the energy or motivation to practice it. So it all just compounds.

The good news is that this mostly goes away in middle school. Kids create their own friendships and parents are less involved in schools, so the friend group will just stop being an issue for the kids or the other parents. It's just these few years in K-5 where it can be a problem. I've seen it happen twice, once from the inside of the friend group and once from the outside, and it's annoying to people for a while and then doesn't matter anymore.[/quote]

Disagree.  Only people who strive to be on the inside feel negative about interactions.  Most people do not care and will make their own groups alliances, and acquaintances.  Very few people would feel so strongly about not being invited to a small gathering that they insert themselves and demand being invited next time.  I cannot fathom getting this bent out of shape over hearing about someone else’s plans. OP has done nothing wrong at all and isn’t responsible for the other lady’s feelings, or her kid’s. [/quote]

Disagree with your disagreement.  The key phrase was balance of power.  Theoretically the balance of power is distributed within the class but in practice these sorts of groups exert, sometimes unknowingly, extra power because they are in a sense organized.

The broader class dynamics start revolving around their interests and needs, due in part to first mover advantages, which then creates structural barriers to entry that leave the unaffiliated unable to break in.[/quote]

These replies speak to our experience. My kid's friends with a group of kids whose moms are close. The moms are nice enough. And they and their kids do things that some could read as pointedly exclusionary. Like letting their kids call mine from every get together they all do. Or having conversations about ideas I've brought up individually with one of them and then deciding how to move forward together. It's like they're living by committee. And that influences how their kids sometimes interact with mine.

For us, we go when we're invited and we don't sweat it when we're not, especially since my kid says they don't care. Kiddo has a broad range of friends, so they are able to dismiss it. I know that's not true for all kids.

OP isn't responsible for another person's reaction. And the group she's in probably does do things that are strangely committee-like to people like me, exclusionary to more sensitive types. [/quote]

This, and it could also be that the mom's kid is more sensitive than yours and more upset/bothered by some of the social bragging and competitiveness that the friend group's kids may engage in. She may be more annoyed by the exclusion of her kid simply because it is causing more problems for her at home, if her kid is complaining a lot about not being part of that group, not wanting to go to school, etc.

I think OP is perceiving this as being entirely about this woman wanting to break into their friend group and I think it's highly unlikely that's the case. The behavior really indicates this is creating issues with her kid and she resents the moms for creating this problem. The thing with the moms attending the gym class makes this obvious -- I guarantee this mom is not mad she didn't get to hang out at gym class with these other women. But instead, her kid came home and said "hey all the moms came to gym class today but you weren't there! why didn't you come, I felt left out," and this mom was like wtf I didn't even know this was something people were doing today.[/quote]

The proper response to the last example is, “Sometimes moms go to the gym together. Sometimes they don’t. Just like sometimes you play tag and sometimes you don’t.”

The kids are six.[/quote]

The moms didn't "go to the gym together." They did a special visit to their child's gym class together. The child who sees this, notes his mom is not there, and feels embarrassed or hurt is actually correctly perceiving the social situation -- he is recognizing that there are a group of parents who know each other and are friends, and can plan special events for their kids like this which bring more attention to their kids and may improve their kids' social standing at school, and that his mom is not part of that group and cannot help his social standing at school in the same way.

Like I guarantee the day those moms all showed up to gym class that day, all the kids noticed and talked about it and it conferred a special status on the kids whose moms were there. Maybe those kids got to do something special in class with their moms that the other kids didn't get to do, maybe the gym teacher gave the moms special jobs or made a big deal about it. The kid can tell this group of families has a kind of special status at the school by virtue of being a cohesive group, and he can tell that it helps those kids socially and that he doesn't have the same advantages. Telling him "oh this is like when you decide not to play tag" is gaslighting him. He understands the situation better than you do.[/quote]

This was an open event advertised in a newsletter. No one received an engraved invitation. This mom could easily have reached out to OP or another mother asking if they planned on going. Sometimes you have to make shit happen. [/quote]

I read OP as saying there is a standing invitation for parents to come to gym class, not that this was a specific event on a certain day.

Also it's bizarre to argue that the mom should be checking in with OP or this group to see if they are planning on doing a coordinated visit. Can you imagine what this would actually look like IRL? A mom who is not a part of this friend group texting to ask what their plans are so she could invite herself to join? They would talk so much $hit about her behind her back if she did that, even more than they currently do.[/quote]

Right? My second grader is currently insisting that he is invited to trick or treat with a group. These moms are all friends. Am I supposed to text them like "hey ladies, what are we doing for Halloween?"
I had these boys over last weekend and the moms just dropped them off. So I'm doing my part hosting. But it doesn't mean im in on all the plans.[/quote]

Ugh, situations like that are frustrating. I do actually think you have to reach out and say "hey sounds like the boys were talking about trick or treating together -- can we coordinate?" But I understand why it's awkward when they are all friends because it will 100% feel like trying to invade their plans even though the boys were making plans on their own.

The one consolation is that this problem gets better in a few years when the kids can more competently coordinate their own plans and don't need rides everywhere.

I think part of the problem here is making a kid-focused activity (like visiting a gym class or kids trick-or-treating) into an adult social event. It's easier if you keep this separate. If you want to do something with your mom friends, go out for drinks or coffee. If you want to go to your kids gym class, message the class chat and let everyone know you're going. If you just keep this stuff separate, it's waaaaaay less awkward and doesn't create as much weirdness with the kids.[/quote]

Adults turn Halloween trick or treating in my neighborhood into an adult focused social event. This is not something I remember as a kid. It’s moms and dads all walking in groups with drinks and doing shots in driveways. It’s all pre-trick or treat parties for selected families and honestly, it’s ruined the whole holiday for me. [/quote]

Yep, it’s a parent block party now so you have to know the parents to get invited. My DD is new at school and wanted to trick or treat with her new friends but we’re not invited to the party. But God forbid we express any disappointment by the exclusions because nobody owes us anything according to some. The kids guest list would look very different from the adult list if they were given a say.[/quote]

So ask invite her friends to come trick or treating. How is this so hard? We were invited to nothing one year, so we had our own haunted house. Guess what? I didn’t want to invite the aggressive kid, the one who’s mean to my youngest, and I invited a few adult friends.[/quote]

Do you really think these parents are going to have their kids miss their block party? Think.[/quote]

This. The parents have set it up just how they want. They get to spend Halloween with their friends on their block, the kids will trick or treat and play with their friends' kids who are also their friends. Easy. The other families will say "oh sorry we can't make it we already have plans, but have fun!" and move on with their lives. But they also won't invite PP's daughter because she doesn't live on their block and isn't one of the group.[/quote]

You obviously get it. The people giving out weird advice seem to have no clue about how these social groups actually work. Is it because they have no experience with them but feel compelled to give worthless advice? “Just invite them anyway to your house! It will all work out!” What a joke.[/quote]

You call it weird advice, but my each of my kids have great groups of friends that they've nurtured over the years.[/quote]

So you don’t know what the neighborhood cliques are like that have the block parties and tell everyone their kids “has plans” are like. We know. The adults run the show, you obviously don’t get it.[/quote]

NP. Isn’t it normal for block parties to only include those on the block, since they’re the ones putting up funds for it?[/quote]

Nobody wants to crash the block party, what they want is for kids to be able to trick or treat together, even ones who live in the same neighborhood. But now it's a "block party" and those kids can't have their other friends come along because according to mom "they have plans" now. Since you're not aware of how these things work, often they leave the block party in their golf cart and there "isn't enough room" for other friends. It's all very exclusive and highly curated, kids don't roam in packs together without parents in tow driving them or following behind with their wine tumblers.[/quote]

+1…this is exactly how Halloween goes in my neighborhood. To the parents included, it’s wonderful and Halloween is “so great!” To the parents of kids not able to trick or treat with their friends because of this exclusionary nonsense, it’s ruined a holiday. Especially, when kids come home and say that their friends want them to come too. [/quote]

I'm in Chicago and it's exactly the same here. Halloween has become depressing because it's just a parade of families partying together. My kids want to join but "we already made plans together! Maybe next time!" . Where I live it's actually the bro dad's who instigate this.[/quote]

Same here. My daughter can't trick or treat with her 3 friends because there are 6 in the golf cart, 3 dads and their 3 daughters. No room! What in the world. So now it's daddy/daughter trick or treating? My dad would have never and nobody wanted their parents around. This is all so weird compared to how it was a few decades ago.[/quote]

How does a golf cart related to trick or tricking ok Halloween? The golf cart on golf course? [/quote]

They drive it on the street, of course. There is no actual need for the golf carts. The homes aren't that far apart and the street isn't dangerous. But it's a way to make sure the parents make it about themselves and less about the kids getting together with their friends. The kids get driven from house to house and run out, then run back in.[/quote]

Thanks for the answer. We live in a tight blocks of townhouses and single family homes. Every kids walk,and  I have never seen or heard of using golf carts for trick or treating . Lol  I only may have seen them as a parade car decorated for the festival on the street. [/quote]

Yeah, I live in Brooklyn and have never seen a golf cart in the borough outside of official vehicles in the botanic garden. [/quote]

Now you know how the other half lives. I have lived all over and have seen the golf cart Halloweens in Illinois, Texas, Arizona, California, Florida. Anywhere people live near golf courses.[/quote]

Wild! And it's legal to drive it in the street?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics