Reply to Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

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Reply to "Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP hasn't said she's in DC. Feel free to google-I'm not doing your legwork. [/quote]

DC is just one example. You’re the one who made the assertion so you need to support it. [/quote]

What exact place are you looking for? MD? FL? Alaska? Can you be more specific?

[/quote]

I’m not the one making the claim and OP hasn’t said where she is. So discussing the DC law seems reasonable. The person who claimed that the DH’s work travel is irrelevant should back that statement up. [/quote]

The PP said that, depending on where the OP lives, the work travel may not matter as far as custody. It really is dependent on where they are, which has not been disclosed. A quick Google search would be helpful to you, PP.[/quote]

NP. I’m in Virginia. Pre-divorce, my (then-) husband was gone 3-4 nights/weekends a week. While divorcing, he said he had changed his schedule to accommodate 50/50. As soon as the ink was dry, he went back to the old schedule, but did move things around so he was on overnight travel on my custodial nights.

Which is to say, pre-divorce behavior isn’t nearly as relevant as we might want it to be.[/quote]

Right - the key is he changed his schedule so he didn’t travel on his custodial nights, right? That is not OP’s situation. [/quote]

They are not divorced yet. So we have no idea what her situation will be.[/quote]

Well according to OP, her ex is not planning to change his work schedule but still wants 50-50. So that’s what she has to go on. I’m really unclear on why people are advising her to cave before she needs to. [/quote]
People are encouraging her to be flexible if all she wants is more time with her kid. Whatever restrictions she puts on her ex can be applied to her. If her whole point is more time with her kid, then be flexible and get what she wants.[/quote]

He’s not being flexible. She doesn’t need to start out being flexible. She needs to start out asking for what she could feasibly get based on the law in her jurisdiction with the advice of her lawyer. She likely has a good argument for more than 50% custody and right of first refusal that does not end up meaning her kids cannot ever stay home alone with her mom. [/quote]

OP’s lawyer told her that her desired ROFR outcome is unlikely. OP herself admits she needs to give to get. So no, she should not start mediation by asking for what she could feasibly get. She should make a list of non-negotiables for her, a list of things she is willing to give up, and a list of things her stbx wants, and pair them accordingly.

When this mediation fails, OP can ask the judge for everything she can feasibly get. And she should expect her husband to do the same. Which means 50/50, likely with the promise that his work schedule will change.[/quote]

You have zero basis to say that and OP has not said that about her lawyers advice, unless I missed it. If he has a documented schedule of last minute and frequent travel then that is going to be very material in the amount of parenting time he gets. And per OP he is not saying his schedule will change. [/quote]

It is in the OP:

“…and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times.”

The gist of this whole discussion is that OP’s husband travels for work, and wants 50/50. To preserve that 50/50 he wants to use his mom for babysitting when he travels.

OP doesn’t like the mom, so she doesn’t want the child to stay with the mom when her husband travels.

OP does want her child to be able to stay with HER mom when OP is unavailable.

OP’s lawyer told OP that her desired outcome (ROFR imposed on Dad, but not on mom) is unlikely. OP doesn’t like that answer.

OP also doesn’t want dad to have 50/50, but also doesn’t want to pick up dad’s slack.

OP, you need to get over the circumstances of the divorce. Trying to extract a pound of flesh because your husband left is not going to serve your case well. With very few exceptions, custody rules will be imposed bilaterally.[/quote]

The simple solution is for OP to switch weeks with dad and be a bit flexible.[/quote]

Yes. But OP does not want to do that. She wants control (and possibly child support).

OP, if you want to control your husband and spend his money, you need to stay married.[/quote]

OP wants a child custody schedule that ensures the child is cared for by a parent most of the time, and yeah, she wants the child support due to her.

Again, child custody decisions are in the best interests of the child. No parent has a right to 50% time when they are not even going to be home during that time. [/quote]

Have you been to court lately? Dads who ask the court for 50/50 get it in the DC area. The standard is “best interest of the child”, but the practice is 50/50 if that is what Dad goes to court for (not settled, not mediated…Dad stands in front of an active judge and says “I want 50/50.”)

The other assumption is that everything changes when parents divorce. Sure you were a SAHM, but the court will expect you to go back to work. Sure Dad travels 25% of the time, but the expectation is his schedule will also change: he will travel during the 15 days of the month Junior is with Mom. The Court doesn’t care about division of labor that was negotiated during the marriage, because the marriage is over. Again, this is not applicable in settled/mediated cases. This is standing in front of a judge, in the DC area, where both parents intend to stay local, neither are crack whores, and Dad wants 50/50 with a childcare plan for while he is working.[/quote]

Dad’s absolutely do not get 50% just because they asked for it. I posted the DC law and an MD case on this point. A judge will take into account that a parent’s work schedule does not allow them to be physically present to provide care 50% of the time, as well as the fact that mom provided all or most of the care prior to the separation. This is literally in the text of the DC core and discussed in the MD case. Again for those of you in the back - “joint custody”
does not equate legally to 50% timeshare. You can have joint custody and different split.

Also because you are obviously not a lawyer or you are a bad one - you should know that parties bargain in the shadow of the law. So what a judge would do in a case absolutely creates the conditions considered in a mediation or settlement discussion. [/quote]

This has been my experience as well. My exH is an alcoholic rage head. I filed and he sought 100% custody. I was the primary parent and he traveled. 200k later ( and during the 3 years the divorce took) I had primary physical custody. He couldn’t even get 5050 in a pro dad pro 50/50 state.

I was quickly out earning him and he filed to collect child support from me despite me having primary custody. You just don’t know as much as you think you know, wannabe family law expert. [/quote]

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