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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "38F - OLD apps: not getting any matches "
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, ignore the mean comments here. I'm a 39F, single mom, who could stand to lose a few pounds and I get dozens of matches a day. I didn't look through the thread to see if you posted what's on your profile, but my advice: 1. Remove filters NOT because you need to lower your standards, but because most people don't bother filling out their profile all the way. So you'll miss out on people who don't have things filled out 100%. 2. Slightly sexy photos. You don't want to be overtly sexy (turn off for many serious men), but you do want to look beautiful/pretty/etc. Think more girly, sundresses, curled hair. Play up your best feature. Learn how to pose, hire a photographer if needed. My first picture on my profile is me in leggings and a T-shirt, but I have my hair/makeup done VERY well and I'm holding a pen in my mouth so slightly suggestive. 3. Don't lead with a bunch of requirements in your profile, like "I want a man who wants kids blah blah blah". Nobody wants to feel like a broodmare/stallion. The kids conversation comes up later on, after a few dates. Instead put in things for men to comment on, that make you stand out. The "two truths and a lie" prompt is a good one, along with any unique hobbies, things you collect, etc. I like to give things for men to guess so they have a reason to match/write, so I'll say something like "I collect memorabilia from a popular 90s sitcom" and men write me to guess which one. 4. Pay for Premium and only go through men who have already swiped right on you. I get like 300+ men who swipe right on me a day, there's plenty to go thru and your chances of finding someone goes WAY up. Good luck! [/quote] How is 300+ a day possible? Are some of these swipes repeats? Are some of these men based in different locations than you? *I've never used a dating app so sorry if this is a dumb question. Demographics wise, I'm just wondering how this adds up...well you said you don't use filters..is that how you get 300+?[/quote] The only settings I have are ages 25-45, within 60 miles, and absolutely no smoking/cannabis use/heavy drinking. I also don’t go through and swipe. I just check out who has already swiped right on me. Way more efficient and worth the $30 a month. Yes, 95% of them aren’t men I’m interested in. But I still get 10-20 a day who are men I’d actually be interested in going on a date with. From there, I don’t talk to anyone who doesn’t reach out to me first. And I unmatch anyone who starts with lame things like “hey” or if the conversation fizzles out quickly. [/quote] How many dates have you been on?[/quote] 2-3 a week usually.[/quote] Is it in dmv or a larger urban center and what size of population ? Which site ? In my experience 47 yo F the 2-3 dates a week would last for a month or so, then all that crazy swiping subsides. If I don’t choose anyone from that batch, the site database would dry up. And I would need to preview the new joining men profiles to give likes myself [/quote] Tinder. Not the DMV, smaller urban area. Tinder. It’s really worth it to pay for the premium features - I have Platinum so I’m one of the first profiles featured. There’s a constant influx of new people signing up so I haven’t run out of matches. [/quote] Oops, my second sentence got cut off. Meant to say Tinder is the best app, because pretty much everybody who is on Bumble/Hinge/etc is also on Tinder.[/quote] Are you looking for marriage /LTR? I was told by several men on match and hinge who were looking for serious that they stopped using Tinder or never used it. I got under the impression that the men considered it was low class if a woman was on Tinder. A sign of multiple partners etc. Some men from hinge specifically asked if I was using Tinder and I had to reassure I wasn’t [/quote] Yikes, if a man I just met was trying to control which apps I was on, that’s a massive red flag and he’d be immediately disqualified. Most people understand that Tinder is the standard dating app. If a guy was paranoid about a woman using it for hookups, that says way more about his character and how he uses apps. Not a high quality man. I also don’t tolerate men who obsessed over things like body count, who a woman is sleeping with, etc. We’re all adults. Presumably we all enjoy sex. We’re past the time when we all had to pretend to be chaste. I assume most people have hookups, a FWB, etc. If I date someone I want to be exclusive with, we have the conversation about being monogamous and exclusive, like adults. But zero time or patience for men who are filtering women for perceived virginity, that’s a very insecure, low quality man who needs therapy, not dates. [/quote] You are presenting things in extreme light. It’s not wrong for a man who looks to remarry to ask if the woman is sleeping with others. Or if she’s shopping around for FWB and hookups while he’s dating her taking to high end places. I’m a woman and I would want to know if a man has other partners before sleeping, at a minimum for health reasons. And because they just could be at a different stage of post divorce life than me, more interested in casual short term encounters. Overall higher number of prior partners (for both men and women ) may indeed indicate attachment and trauma issues. Lack of your filters on Tinder (including 25 yo men for example) is telling you are not looking for marriage. So your recommendation to OP re her dating strategy is not very accurate - she’s looking for a life partner. [/quote] For example, if a man told me at a date had a FWB, and was doing bar hookups on his business trips enjoying sex with different women while looking for his life partner, I would simply conclude that man is not monogamous . And won’t see them again [/quote] There’s a massive difference between “has Tinder” and “is hooking up with different women on business trips every week”. Most people are on Tinder, it’s not just a hookup app anymore. And most people are having sex in between relationships. It’s usually not as extreme as 3 new partners a week, but usually people have a hookup or two, maybe a FWB for a bit. Expecting people to be celibate in between relationships is very extreme. This is also why you communicate like an adult rather than making assumptions. You communicate “these are my values around sex, what are yours?” That’s fine. But if you’re harassing dates for what apps they have on their phone, that screams insecurity and an inability to communicate directly, both red flags. I swear, people would be so much happier is they stopped playing those weird games of trying to find meaning in every little thing and just communicated directly. I don’t want a man prying into my apps. But I have no problem saying on a date “yes, I do have a FWB, and I have no problem dropping them once I find someone I do want to commit to”.[/quote] No most women don’t have FWBs - it’s just not worth the efforts relative using toys for most Tinder is still very much a hookup app for many people so your stats with 300 swipes on that app are in line with 95% of these men looking for casual [/quote] Sounds like you’re just very low sex drive. Most single women have FWBs and hookups. Or perhaps you just attract men who aren’t great in bed, maybe because you have hangups around sex. A toy doesn’t compare at all to a man who knows what he’s doing, and who you have open communication about your likes/dislikes. [/quote] Most men are terrible in bed. I tried dating several in parallel, tried a FWB and my libido is safer with toys. Sex was low quality in short term situations [/quote] Gee ya think these guys were concerned about the pleasure of their short-term fling (you) who was also getting plowed by umpteen other guys? lmao of course not, why would they be, you were a pump and dump, that’s why the sex was bad for you. [/quote] I’m not the PP, but some of my best sex ever has been with short term flings. I’ve found most men are happy to give you what you want in bed, and most appreciate a woman who knows what she wants. Often it’s even better with a fling because you can ask for exactly what you want without fear, because who cares if he bails? More than likely, if that many men are bad in bed, it’s because the woman isn’t asking for what she wants. Once in awhile you’ll get someone selfish, but that’s easy enough to deal with, if he doesn’t make you O first, you end the session and leave.[/quote]
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