Reply to Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that. [/quote]

Are you a SAHM? If so, do your job. [/quote]

Get out of here with this misogyny. You’re disgusting. Children are the responsibility of both parents. [/quote]

Does OP help her husband with his job?[/quote]

I don’t work. My husband works a lot. So much. But if one of our kids needs a trip to the ER or one has a bloody nose, he absolutely helps and we decide the best way to divide and conquer with the kids. Because he isn’t an ahole and I am not the only one responsible for the kids. I would bide my time with a husband like OP’s and work on getting financially stable myself. And then leave him when the kids are older. [/quote]

Where was the cooperation in OPs decision that she stays home with a nursing toddler? She decided that wasx best and send him on his way. People are pointing out that this bedtime routine is part of the problem.[/quote]

Since I do handle 95% of the kid stuff, my husband would 100% defer to what I thought each of us should do. If I said I wanted to take the kid to the ER, he would say ok. If I said I thought he should do it, he would. We have had to do this sort of thing and my husband defers to me because he knows I am with the kids all of the time and know which will likely go better for everyone. But again, my husband isn’t an ahole. And he would yell at a toddler for having a nose bleed. Even if awoken in the middle of the night. Because, again, not an ahole. [/quote]

Ok. OP also says “my daughter” all the time. Never “our daughter”. No wonder he doesn’t to do the heavy lifting.[/quote]

Except that he does. He has a job out of the home. OP's job is to be the stay at home parent. And yet she makes him get up to deal with a nosebleed. Stupid. That's your job, OP. He needs his sleep. You can be a zombie all day at home but he can't do that at work and still expect to support his family.[/quote]

This may be the dumbest thing I've read here. A normal, healthy father with two small children and a wife nursing will step up and take care of injured children because he loves them and cares for them. OP married a douchebag and will have to make some choices. This is a nightmare situation for small kids who have to grow up with a father with no emotional regulation and a terrible temper. Cut the losses and divorce. And insist on anger management and therapy for this cretin before making custody arrangements. Which probably won't be an issue because it sounds like he doesn't actually like his kids. [/quote]

What experience do you have with divorcing the father of your children?[/quote]

Child of a very successful father with a horrible temper. The best thing my mother ever did was divorce him. [/quote]

Divorce and custody laws have shifted from a system that often favored mothers for custody and required fault-based reasons for divorce, to one that increasingly emphasizes the "best interests of the child" through more flexible arrangements like shared custody. Key changes include the widespread adoption of no-fault divorce, which eliminates the need to prove wrongdoing, and a growing focus on shared parenting, which promotes both parents' involvement in the child's life and decision-making. Laws now also aim for greater inclusivity for all family structures and emphasize parental cooperation. [/quote]

True. This is why it is important to distinguish between poor parenting and parenting you disagree with, and physical/emotional abuse, as well as understanding what triggers your DH’s behavior. In my case, my xDH was definitely increasingly abusive towards me (shouting, throwing things near me, not letting me leave the room during arguments) but it was triggered by our disagreements. I observed that while I did not love his parenting and thought he could be harsh, he was not abusive towards our child. xDH was a jerk but not a monster. And importantly, no substance abuse or serious mental illness involved. And for better or for worse, as our child got older, he learned how to manage xDH. I held off divorce until DC was 11. Prior to that, I had well founded concerns that xDH might be so inattentive as to be dangerous - but 11 was more than old enough to be sure, eg, that kid was not going to run into traffic or fall down the stairs, can put on his own seatbelt, can entertain himself without needing adult care, can call me in case of emergency.

I was well aware that nothing xDH did warranted a claim that he was not due 50% custody. But I was also well aware that xDH actually did not want 50%. So kid is with me enough time that I give him a stable and happy life.

Although this is not ideal, it is much better to have a major source of household conflict removed, for me and kid (and xDH I believe).

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