Reply to If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

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Reply to "If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, OP, I haven't read all 16 pages. But if your pent up frustration is making you act toward her the way you presented yourself in your first few posts, I'd say there may be something more to her lack of sex drive. Frequently, low libido is hormonal, but it is so often paired with the way we feel about our spouses and the way they've been there for us. I would have classified myself as low sex drive early on in my marriage after kids. My husband did not do an equal parenting job, and I began to feel like I was the mother to him, as well as my kids. He became just one more demand on me. I was not empty of sex drive, though. I just did not want sex with HIM. (I didn't cheat or come anywhere close, never would, but I did take care of my own needs about weekly). I resented him and it poisoned our intimacy. However, we righted the ship. It wasn't easy. It involved me having sex more often than I wanted to. It meant my husband understanding that sometimes I actually did NOT want to have a full on orgasm, that I was tired and it was enough to just have sex and some closeness (but he alwyas gave me the option to have one, was a generous lover, etc). The fact is, your first post you're acting like a petulant child whose WIFE has a problem. The thing is, if you're doing the whole marriage thing correctly, you own your problems jointly. And with sex, it's so often an issue where both partners have let things slide. The resentment and demands go both ways. If you are living in a sexless marriage you have a right to be unhappy and to want change, but it is unwise for you to so squarely let the issue rest on your wife's shoulders. It is crystal clear that you are doing this. It rings through like a shout in your posts. My advice is to really try to change your own ways. STarting with a major overhaul of what marriage should be. Honestly, your post "if I had known this was the case I wouldn't have married you" means maybe it is too late. Not that you can't fix the lack of sex thing, but you have really lost sight of what marriage is all about. If I knew that my husband would become paralized from the waist down, for instance, and would not be able to walk or have sex or anything, I would have still married him. Gladly. And I think teh same is true for us. When we went through our period of low sex, my husband IMMEDIATELY asked me what was wrong. He rode out the hormones thing, and when I said resentment was starting to feel toxic, he took that seriously. He's not perfect and neither am I but we both tried hard. it is not that hard just to "put out" a few times a month, but it is VERY hard, indeed, to address the underlying issues and that can only happen when both parties are into fixing things, not just making demands on the other one. Honestly, I'm glad I didn't marry someone like you because if my husband had taken the attitude you are taking, we'd be divorced. Now, we've reconnected and are doing it like little wild rabbits.  [/quote]

Not OP, but this strikes me as awfully judgmental.  Having been on the other side of this, your "fix the marriage" comment seems ill-informed to me.  It seems distressingly common, from what I have heard, for the lower-sex drive partner to raise any and all issues as pretexts to avoid addressing the issue of sex itself, and frustrated high-drive partners are often left in the position where they are trying to move heaven and earth to resolve other issues in the marriage as a prerequisite to addressing the sex issue another day, a day that somehow never seems to come.  This can cause extreme frustration, which is what I hear in OP's words.  [/quote]

I don't think this is judgmental.  I think this is very, very, very common.  [/quote]

"I probably wouldn't have married you" isn't helpful either.  IIRC the marriage vows include "for better and for worse," and for OP this is the "for worse" part.

I'm in a "for worse" stage myself.  My DH, who was healthy and fit when we married, has developed MS.  This is a condition that has many, many accompanying problems, including difficulty walking distances; difficulty holding farts/not farting (his muscles there are shot);  difficulty getting an e*r*ection; the need for lots of sleep (he goes to bed at 9).  The list goes on.  We used to love to hike together; I had hoped he would learn to ski because I love that.  None of that is possible now.  I hate this metro area and always thought we would move north, but that will never happen because the cold exacerbates his symptoms.  I worry about our kids, who have a genetic predisposition to developing MS.  This is all disappointing (to say the least) but handling it is what I signed up to on our wedding day.  I am in this for better and for worse.  I don't think about "would I have married him?" because it is a moot issue.  I *didL* marry him and I love him and we are in this together.

OP, your wife is no more "withholding" than is my DH.  She is not "withholding" anything; she is having difficulty with handling all aspects of her life and is in all likelihood doing the best she can.

[b]You need to be understanding and loving, not judgmental and angry[/b].[/quote]

This.  [/quote]

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