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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you two sat down together each day and divided what needed to be done, would he be able to do it?

I'm the ADHD spouse and I make myself daily lists of what I need to do.  DH and I also sit down weekly to discuss the upcoming week and who is doing what when (dinner, taking DS to practice, etc).

My lists are pretty much the only way I'm able to function.  I put EVERYTHING on there, even just emptying the dishwasher. [/quote]

[b]I know it’s not fair to my spouse[/b], but I make it clear that I absolutely need them to TELL me what to do, and then I will do it.  It’s not fun for me either and I am trying my best.  [b]I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me![/b][/quote]

You…hope your spouse doesn’t resent you for knowingly treating them unfairly? That’s not ADHD that’s delusional.

There are about 100 ways you can manage executive function without expecting your spouse to do it for you. [/quote]

Yes I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me for not being as capable in as many ways as they are.  They certainly don’t seem to.  I put forth a good faith effort every day and do what I can, but I still struggle.  And I am trying all sorts of strategies to manage my mental health issues, but in the meantime my spouse actually tries to HELP ME. But, my spouse is not a petty scorekeeper like so many of the folks posting their complaints here.

I wonder if some of you would treat your kids this way.  Do you think there is some magic age where all mental health issues disappear, or are suddenly no longer issues that people struggle with or suffer from, but are instead now conscious choices to be lazy and worthless?  And do you know what’s ALSO exhausting?  Having a mental health issue!  Maybe try a little compassion?[/quote]

Do you see how silly the comparison is to a child?[/quote]

No.  I do not.  That’s because I am not aware of an age at which mental health disorders magically disappear.

I am simply saying that if you wouldn’t talk about your child with a mental health disorder this way you shouldn’t talk about your spouse with the exact same disorder this way.  [/quote]

You are responsible for your child’s health. Your spouse is responsible for your spouse’s health. It is gross and infantalizing to assume you should speak of an adult not managing their ADHD like they are a child.[/quote]

I think you (and PP who responded ip thread) just fundamentally can’t read or are completely lacking in the ability to comprehend what you read.  I am not comparing adults and children in terms of their life responsibilities or their need to be cared for.  I am comparing them in terms of their mental health disorders.  And I am not advocating that anyone should remain married to or manage their spouse who struggles, I am merely suggesting that they stop trying to make it out to be some sort of moral failing on their spouse’s part.  It’s an illness.  That doesn’t mean you have to choose to live with someone who has such an illness, but the absolute venom with which people describe their spouses is appalling.  So I will repeat: if you would not TALK ABOUT your child this way, do not TALK ABOUT your spouse this way.[/quote]

Again, a child’s health is my responsibility. So if that health condition isn’t managed, it is my responsibility to address that fact.

If an adult is not managing their health concern, that is [i]their own[/i] responsibility. An adult not treating their ADHD and availing themselves of the now thousands of coaches, apps, therapies etc. who is instead making their spouse carry their weight is selfish, entitled, and yes, morally wrong.

A child whose ADHD isn’t treated isn’t being parented well.

The reason we don’t talk about them the same is that the individual responsible isn’t the same.[/quote]

But what if they ARE “availing themselves” of the resources you mentioned and it either isn’t helping at all (this is a real possibility), or it isn’t helping enough or quickly enough that they are able to never burden their spouse with anything?  What if the person was never diagnosed or treated as a child so they are just now figuring this out as an adult?  You are saying they are moral failures?

And finally, NO ONE is responsible for the mental health condition!  They are responsible for trying to deal with it as best they can, but despite what so many of you seem to think there isn’t actually a cure that will “fix” them.  Even with meds and therapy this is a condition that needs to be actively managed forever, and guess what?  That is ALSO exhausting.

I’m sure if you ever get a chronic illness you would never dream of asking your spouse to carry any of your weight.  Take time off to drive you to chemo?  Nope!  Your responsibility!  Oh you’re claiming you’re too tired from treatment to make dinner even though you know the kids need to be fed?  WTF?  Lazy!  The best you can do tonight is order pizza and not even bother with vegetables?!  Bad mother and bad spouse![/quote]

If you read what you’re quoting you’re going to see the “individual responsible” is the individual responsible for getting care for the condition. In ADHD in a child, that’s the parents. In an adult, the adult is responsible for seeking care unless the eyre a ward of the state or under a conservatorship.

I actually have a slow-healing injury so I’m glad you raised that. It would not, in fact, be fair for me to expect my spouse to take on my tasks. We outsource most of “my” housekeeping tasks.  We don’t say “oh I know it’s unfair but my spouse will just have to clean every toilet and do every load of laundry for the rest of their life! I hope they don’t resent it!”

Get a coach. Get a therapist. Get on new meds. Hire a home manager. But don’t say you know you’re treating your spouse badly (which “knowing” you’re treating them unfairly absolutely is…) and then be mad at people pointing that out.[/quote]

LOL you just “outsource” the tasks you simply can’t do and then act like you’re somehow morally superior to other families who aren’t made of money and therefore can’t just *pretend* they’re pulling their weight.  You absolutely sound like an insufferable, rigid, unpleasant person.  I feel sorry for your spouse just for having to live with you.  Talk about unfair.[/quote]

Everyone makes choices about how they spend money.  Maybe we go on fewer vacations than you do, or drive older cars. You have no idea other than we have prioritized not saddling my spouse with things I can’t do and pretending that’s the only option available.[/quote]

So your spouse has to forego vacations and drive a beater because you “can’t” pull your weight?  Well in that case, problem solved!  Every ADHD spouse can just spend the family’s money to “outsource” their chores!

(You are projecting in this thread, I think.  Or you are a poster child for that saying “Rules for thee, but not for me!”  I mean really, you are admitting you PAY SOMEONE to do your share, yet you here you are on your high horse judging others as being lazy, irresponsible, unfair spouses.  It’s baffling how hypocritical your take is.)[/quote]

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