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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.[/quote]

New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate. [/quote]

I totally agree. [/quote]

Agree. Surprised at the number of people who want to throw this relationship away. It may never be the same
Because of what they did. But it is worth trying to keep a relationship. [/quote]

I sort of agree. I wouldn’t write them off for this one thing, but I also wouldn’t try to hold on too hard to a relationship with people who lack judgment on that level and would loan out my house to people I don’t know on the sly. It’s not like they brought their widowed neighbor with no family to thanksgiving so she wouldn’t have to spend her first holiday without her spouse alone. They secretly invited someone to camp on their porch and use their pool for a weekend. That’s not generous and kind, it’s reckless and greedy. [b]I’d be worried about what other boundaries they’d cross and how else they’d take advantage, so I’d never be able to fully enjoy my time with them because I’d always have my guard up. That doesn’t sound like a great relationship.[/b] [/quote]

Re: the bold, you seem to anticipate that you'd conflate this specific incident with every other interaction, forever, going forward. Of course this incident is big, and would make anyone want to watch for future cases where these relaties might take advantage. But if an incident can never be allowed to live in the past, you will indeed always have your guard up and that will be giving the relatives power over you. They'll be dominating your mental real estate. Why give them SO much power? [/quote]

It’s not giving them power. It’s more like, I can’t trust them not to invite strangers to my home when I’m not there, which seems like a very basic and normal standard to have. If I can’t trust someone on that level, why would I bother trying to maintain a relationship with them? I’d either have some kind of very superficial relationship with them, to try to let the cousins maintain a relationship, or I’d wind up doing a slow fade. It would be far more stressful to me to have to keep my guard up and change codes or figure out ways to have them over and not share the code with them. I’d be wary of letting my kids visit them without me because they seem to have ridiculously bad judgment. It doesn’t seem like I’d be able to get much out of the relationship beyond stress, so it’s probably not one I’d nurture. If distancing myself from someone is giving them power, so be it.

The more I consider what they did and how I’d react, the more my mind is blown that they thought that was okay. They haven’t even shown any contrition, which indicates they don’t think they’re wrong, which makes me wary. It would be different if they recognized that they did something objectively wrong, and it’s not just that OP felt upset about them doing a normal thing that most people do. I’m just not sure how to move forward with a relationship with a couple (not even just one weirdo married to a normal person who tries to be a voice of reason) who doesn’t understand that they can’t invite randos to squat on my patio when they think I’m not home. I don’t want to find out the hard way what other social norms, safety guidelines, or laws they don’t comply with. [/quote]

It sounds like OP's husband (brother of SIL) is the one who was MORE upset, and as it's his relationship with his sibling, I'd follow his lead on how much to interact with and trust them going forward. It does suck to realize that people you care about are willing to deceive you by omission and take advantage of your generosity, but if your relationship going forward doesn't involve trusting them with your home when you're not there, then their ability to harm you will be limited. OP said her daughter is 17, so it's not like we're talking about SIL and BIL being around a toddler or whatnot. I understand why you are drawn to this story (I am too!) but you have to adjust your assessment for OP's particulars. I think the biggest factor here is that OP is more laidback and forgiving than her husband about this and so therefore she doesn't need to worry about drawing the boundaries herself.[/quote]

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