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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.[/quote]

New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate. [/quote]

NP. Totally respect your position, but disagree. I think it’s good for the kids to see boundaries modeled and how to manage a second home. It’s not a relationship I’d be interested in maintaining.[/quote]

I never said to show the kids that boundaries don't matter. I said that the kids-- you did read what OP said about how close two of the cousins are, right?!--should not have to pay for the idiocy of one set of adults. Of course OP and her DH can talk to their kids about how aunt and uncle overstepped but it's simply punishing the kids for the dumb adults' entitled behavior if the kids are kept apart over this. I am never a "family is everything" poster like some on these threads, but in this case, I think it is NOT modeling "lack of boundaries" if the OP and her DH still maintain contact with the BIL/SIL/cousins after this.

"It's not a relationship I"d be interested in maintaining"--? Yes, it was a huge boundary overstep but you'd trash an entire sibling relationship plus all the ancillary relationships around it, permanently, over a FIRST time infraction?

That's not "modeling boundaries." That's teaching the kids that no one ever gets a second chance, period. Not a great lessons to teach kids; they'll feel that mom and dad surely will apply it to them, too.

And modeling cautious forgiveness is not at all the same thing as being a doormat.

But people here love to rush straight to the nuclear option and love to call that "setting boundaries." They don't know how to choose which hills to die on, so they die on every hill and end up dumping whole relationships the very first time there's an overstep. And yes, I do realize this was a giganic overstep. But it wasn't made by the kids in either family.[/quote]

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