Reply to I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is the weirdest thread 
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently 
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure 
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses [/quote]

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

[/quote]

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, [b]not hosting was not on the table for op [/b]
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’ [/quote]

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)[/quote]

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space 
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day. 
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them. 
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them [/quote]

OP, I don't think you are asking for too much by telling them when to arrive.

But you are asking for too much by expecting them to be happy about it. It's not necessarily inconsiderate to want to come earlier to spend more time with you. Like you said, you have not told them before that it is unacceptable to come early. You are different from them, and that's ok.

This is about you meeting your needs. Full stop. Stop with all the "inconsiderate" "fundamentals" and "fairness".

[/quote]
The MIL can be unhappy about it without belittling OP.  Mocking someone for taking care of their mental health needs is truly awful and malicious.  Why are you so invested in justifying the MIL’s terrible behavior?[/quote]

I am not justifying MIL's terrible behavior.

But I am not buying OP's victimhood mentality either.

MIl and FIL are inconsiderate to come earlier, MIL and FIL are making her feel bad. MIl and FIL don't help out. Please. [/quote]

A "victim mentality" would be not setting any boundaries at all and then whining about it.  OP's in-laws may have many wonderful qualities, but it sounds like they are not very considerate guests.  Rather than be a victim of it, OP is setting the limits she needs.  That she is frustrated by her MIL's poor behavior in response does not make her a "victim."[/quote]

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